A REVIEW OF THE RED DWARF DIMENSION JUMP 1995 CONVENTION
PART TWO
BY MARIE BIRCH
To go back, to the First Part, of my A Review
of The Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention: Part One, then please go to:
A
Review of The Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995
Convention: Part One by Marie Birch
Craig Charles (Continued):
Now, as I act myself, I will make it perfectly clear to those kind of
people, who are full of absolute ignorance, where the acting profession is
concerned, that you are in no more of a higher position of authority, than a
Solicitor, an Accountant, a Doctor and a Policeman! And it really makes my
blood boil, when I hear of these so-called people who are in a position of
trust, getting into all kinds of trouble in the papers! For example - Members
of Parliament, who seem to like collecting Mistresses, like they collect
stamps! There was a Headmaster, who had rather, well, Kinky tastes, a High
Court Judge, whose Daughter, was a vice-Madam, and another High Court Judge,
who had been, rumoured, to smoke, Marijuana, and the best of that, was, that he
was allowed to stay in his position! In many cases, these so-called people, who
are in positions of authority, tend to get away with murder, as far as I am
concerned!
My points of view, about the way, that the Media,
had treated, Craig, in this Country, do not, really, differ, from what, I feel,
about the Judicial System, of this Country, either! And, I am afraid, that I
don't have a lot of time for the Royal Family, but the Princess of Wales, did
make a quote a few years back, that summed them up in one - "You ruin People’s
Lives!", and I for one, could not argue with her, about that!
I certainly cannot help agreeing with Craig, about him wanting Defendant's,
in rape cases, to keep their anonymity, and in my personal opinion, those
cases, should not be even reported in the papers, as I find them very
distressing to read, and I don't like something like that, been forced upon me,
like that! And I do know, that there are people out there, who want
Defendant's, to retain their anonymity, and that there are campaigners, who are
working very hard, to get that change in the law, fully rectified, where that
is concerned! And I did read in a magazine once, that Craig's trial, touched
the hearts of so many, in this country, that campaigners are working very hard
to achieve this, and I honestly believe, that they will change the laws for
Defendant's sooner or later, but it is still very early days, where that is
concerned! But Defendant's, did have their rights to anonymity, before 1985
(and I was quite shocked to discover, that fact, anyhow!), and I am pretty
sure, that they will get their rights to anonymity, back again, one day! And if
Craig's trial, can achieve that, then so be it, even though, I am fully aware,
of the fact, that it is far too late for Craig now, but it isn't too late, for
others, out there, when it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day!
With my bitter stab, at the Slime of the Earth, now completed (which I
reckon, is quite, a compliment, with regard, to where, the Judicial System, and
the Media, of this Country, have been concerned, anyhow!), I will now, sort
out, the rest, of my Red Dwarf
Dimension Jump 1995 Convention Review!
And Craig, had informed us, that he had met: Terry Pratchett,
at The Scottish Science Fiction Convention, which had been held, at The SECC
(The Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre), in Glasgow, at the time, which
Craig, had gone to, as a Reporter (now, I am fully aware, of the fact, that
Craig, is a kind, of Journalist himself, but he is more, of a Columnist, as
apposed, to the Press, and that, is very different, indeed! They write, about things, that are, of genuine interest, to the general
Public, and not hyped up: Fairy Tales! And, I have read, some of Craig's
Columns, in various Newspapers, like The Guardian, over the years, and I have
also gathered, that he had used, to write a Column, for Time Out Magazine, and
that, had probably been, where I had heard of him, before! But that said,
however, I had never, associated him, with Red Dwarf, up until, quite recently,
when all had been said and done! And, I had been, quite impressed, with what, I
have come across, via the Columns, that Craig, has written, over the years, and
I do have, great respect, for people, who do that, anyway! And Craig, went on,
to make fun, of the: *Filk Music Groups*, whom he had
interviewed, while he had been, hosting: *Beam Me Up Scotty*, at The Scottish
Science Fiction Convention, which had been held, at the SECC (The Scottish
Exhibition and Conference Centre), in Glasgow, on: *Beam Me Up Scotty*, which
had originally, been broadcast, during the Summer of 1995! And Craig, had
informed everybody, at the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, that: *Filk Music*, is really: *Folk Music*, when all is said and
done! And: *Filk Music*, is a Musical Culture, and a
Genre, and a Community, which is tied, to Science Fiction, and Science Fiction Fantasy Fandom,
and a type, of Science Fiction Fan Labour. And, I did keep, the Video, I had
recorded, of Craig, hosting: Beam Me Up Scotty*, at
The Scottish Science Fiction Convention, which had been held, at the SECC (The
Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre), in Glasgow, which had originally,
been broadcast, during the Summer of 1995, in the end. Well, I had to, keep,
the Video, I had recorded, of Craig, hosting: *Beam Me Up Scotty*, at The
Scottish Science Fiction Convention, which had been held, at the SECC (The
Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre), in Glasgow, which had originally,
been broadcast, during the Summer of 1995, in the end, especially as Craig, had
made fun, of the: *Filk Music Groups*, at the Red
Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention! And Craig, had informed everybody, that:
The Discworld Author: Terry Pratchett,
whom he had interviewed, while he had been, hosting: *Beam Me Up Scotty*, and
who, had also been, a Guest, at The Scottish Science Fiction Convention, which
had been held, at the SECC (The Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre), in
Glasgow, which had originally, been broadcast, during the Summer of 1995, is a
HUGE Red Dwarf Fan, and his favourite scene, is the *Hammy Hamster* one,
between Lister and the Cat, in Camille: Episode I, Red Dwarf IV! And Craig, went on, to tell everybody, that he had, already
appeared, as a Guest, on The Bill. During 1995, Craig had starred, as The
School Teacher: Martin Bailey, in the former: ITV1: Police Soap Opera: The
Bill, which I have, seen since, during the Autumn of
1995! And, I had been, very impressed, with the way, that Craig, had played:
The School Teacher: Martin Bailey, at the time, anyhow! And Craig, had also
stated, that he would, be going on, to Dublin, to film, for a role, in The
Governor II (Eugene Buffy, which I had also been, very impressed with,
indeed!), and that, it was a Drama, set in a Prison (I had heard, of the first
series: The Governor, written by Linda La Plante, but
I hadn’t seen it, when it, had been, on at the time, anyhow!), and Craig, had
also stated, that the part, would be ideal, for him, especially, as he had
already, done his own research, for the role, in question! And, I really do
feel, in all honesty, that it must, have been, a very hard role, for him, to
play, at the time, anyway (and not. just because, of his ordeal, where his
time, on remand, for the notorious Rape trial, had been concerned, during the
Summer of 1994, anyhow!). But making the transition, from a comedic role to a
straight part (I prefer to do comedy myself, as I find straight parts far too
depressing, and rather boring, with the exception of Shakespeare of course, and
not only that, it is a very specialized kind of acting, indeed! And therefore,
I find comedy so much easier!). I taped Stephen Berkoff's
Macbeth on BBC Radio Four over the Christmas period because I discovered in The
Radio Times, that Craig played The Porter! I have kept it ever since, of
course, and considering I had never heard or seen Craig, do a Shakespearean
role, I was very impressed! What I found particuarly
endearing, was Craig's rendition of The OM song! Well it was one note actually,
but we still had the giggles! He stated, that Our Kid,
did that! Surprisingly though, before I was a Fan, of Red Dwarf, I had heard of
Emile Charles, vaguely as an actor, but I had never associated him, as being
Craig Charles' brother! And Charles is a very common name, anyway. He had been,
a Guest, on Spatz (1990), and we didn't recognise him
at first, but we thought, that he seemed familiar,
after a while! And once we listened, to his Liverpudlian accent, very closely, we soon discovered, that, it was none other,
than the chap, who had done the brilliant OM
song on Timeslides: Episode V, Red Dwarf III! And we
decided, to keep that episode, of Spatz (1990), in
question, and we think, that Emile Charles, is a very good actor as well, when
it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day! He isn't Craig of course,
but he still came over, pretty well! Craig said, that we all seemed rather
quiet, but after a while, once everybody, felt quite at ease with him, you
couldn't stop people, from asking him questions! Craig was asked, how much he
is like Lister, and he said - "I think that we all have various traits of
each character within us, especially Danny John-Jules. That man has so many
clothes, it just isn't true! With regard to the traits, he jokingly said, that
Chris Barrie, was more like Rimmer, than Gordon Brittas! I don't think I'll go into that! Craig was also
asked about how he got on with the dancing, on The Tongue Tied video and his
answer was - I'm not a synchronized dancer! Actually, I know the feeling, where
dancing is concerned, because I was roped into my Amateur Dramatic society's
1990 Pantomime: Red Riding Hood, to join the Chorus, where we had to do,
complicated ballet movements, to Gilbert and Sullivan Music, from: Ioalanthe! I just couldn't keep up with them, and I found
myself aching in places, that I had never known before! But the Lady, who was
in charge of those side of things was an ex-ballet dancer herself, and she was
quite supportive, and I did my best, and I cut up, my Fairy Costume to explain
it, which basically means that there's always one, isn't there! But it was a
good experience, I guess, but I prefer acting to dancing, it's so much easier,
and it must have been the same for Craig and Chris, even though they did very
well out of it, and I remember reading an interview by Charles Augins who played Queeg in Queeg: Episode V, Red Dwarf II, in a Science-Fiction
Magazine, how well they worked so hard to get it right, but he knew that they
weren't dancers! Craig was also asked if he liked Pot Noodles, and his reply to
this was: - Oh come on, don't be obscene! I ate the Dog food, but no way, the
Pot Noodle! I'm not that sick! They wouldn't buy me enough beer that day, so I
wouldn't go for it! I actually ate the Dog food! That was genuinely real! Talk
about method acting, or what, and do you know what it tasted like?! Pot Noodle,
I'll never do it again! Craig was asked if his locks were real. I knew they
weren't because I had read, some back issues, of: The Official Red Dwarf Fan
Club’s: Fanzine: Better Than Life. And therefore, I
will quote, from that - “It was never a real ponytail. It was only a wig, and
was like, sewn in my hair. I walked around for three or four months of the year
with it sewn into my hair. It was my idea, and I wish I hadn't really thought
of it (I had a feeling, it had been, his own idea!), because it gets in the way
sometimes. It was really difficult to sleep on, I just have to push it up, so it's coming out of the top of my head, like some sort of
dyslexic rubber plant or something! If you can have a dyslexic rubber plant!
That's what happened though”. Someone, had asked him, to recite a Poem, which I
had also, obtained, from: The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club’s: Fanzine: Better Than Life:
I knew a kid at school by the name of George McGee He was always passing
wind and blaming it on me He'd hit me in the classroom and especially in PE
Like he's waiting for me to get the ball when playing in the gym And then push
me over or kick me in the shin He was the sort of kid who cheats at conkers It
wasn't totally his fault, his family were bonkers He did his homework once, he
made me a jealous sight That was until he got his back and found it wasn't
right But he was sort of kid, the sort who washes hamsters in Vim The teachers
took him away and did some tests on him I hadn't seen him from that to this
until despite my pleading The little sneak on Tuesday week, he pulled me up for
speeding...
Now Craig, could not, resist quoting, this Poem, to a young Lady, at the
very front, of the audience. Again, this Poem, had also, been, in: The Official
Red Dwarf Fan Club’s: Fanzine: Better Than Life.
The first line is different - Something about rolling on a beach, together?
(I can't learn Poetry, like I can learn lines!) She's pretty in lace, in satin,
in silk, she's mine That's not to say I own her, just a timeshare holder She's
pretty, she's pale, she's soft, she's warm she's clean She's a computer rash in
my machine Affecting time and motion Thought and deed and wherewithal my love
Where? With all? My love And the
Punchline. He had to spoil it, didn't he? It always gets me laid!
While we are, on a Poetical Theme, it had been, high time, for me, to ask,
Craig, how it had, all started. I had informed, Craig, that my name, was Lynne
(my first name, I use Marie, now), and that, I was, from Wolverhampton, West
Midlands, the Second, Worst Place, to Mimas, Saturn!
And, Craig's reply, to that, had been - “Yes, I know, I can tell”. I had been,
completely, taken aback, by that! A lot of people say,
that I haven't got an accent. I have since worked it out, that he could work it
out, because when he did his Poetry on Pebble Mill, which is in Birmingham,
West Midlands, he must have got used to the local dialect. But we Wulfrunians (named after Lady Wulfruna,
our founder) are not like Brummies, we are a different
race of people! The Wulfrunian accent,
isn't as broad as the Brummie accent for a start! But
to anyone outside the area, I suppose we all sound the same! Well, I digress.
So, I asked him who his favourite Poets were, and did he like Wordsworth,
Shakespeare and Coleridge? And who was it who had
influenced him, where his poetry was concerned? He said that he had read some
Wordsworth, but he had found him, to be, rather Flowery. He said that he had
never read Coleridge (I think he probably has, but as he is so busy with his
work, and there are that many poets to choose from, he might have forgotten).
He told me that he was influenced by Betjeman (I have read some Betjeman.
Betjeman was also a Poet Laureate, and I found that he wrote a lot of his
poetry in a very humourous way, which is very much
the same style, that Craig uses. It has it's
differences of course, as Craig is a Performance Poet, anyway). He said he
liked the war poets, and I asked him if he liked Kipling, and he said that he
had read some of his poetry, and he said he liked Wilfred Owen and Sassoon,
etcetera. Craig, if you ever, get to read, this review, Coleridge, had written,
the Poem: Kubla Khan, which is where: Xanadu originally came from, and not, from the Film:
Citizen Kane, which I had seen, before I became, a Fan, of Red Dwarf! I've got
it from my husbands book of
The Oxford Book of English verse - 1250-1918.
Here is, a quote, from, the very first Verse:
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree: Where Alph, the sacred river ran, Through caverns measureless to
man Down to a sunless sea. So twice five miles of fertile ground With walls and towers were girdled round: And there were
gardens bright with sinuous rills Where blossom'd
many an incense-bearing tree; And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
The next question, that Craig, had been asked, by
the other: Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention Attendees, was just
exactly, how, had the Production, of Red Dwarf VII, been going, and what was,
the next course, of action? Well Craig said that using the new single camera
technique, which would use the rehearse/record method that they would
definitely be filming without a studio audience, which would make the show a
lot better, and would give them a chance to produce better effects, and to
concentrate on the performances and each episode would be ten minutes longer,
and he said that it was rather like taking exams, recording in front of a
studio audience! Craig was also asked how he felt about Kochanski
coming back, but he said, that he didn't honestly know where the character was
going, where that was concerned, and that he wasn't sure, whether Clare Grogan
would come back, and that he might like a different actress, to play her part,
if the character, was to be re-introduced, to the new series of Red Dwarf. One
of Craig's jokes, which I particularly liked, he told, to a very eager audience,
was about his Stag Night. I'm not going into great detail about this particular
joke in question! But it is also on his: Live on Earth! Show Video, and it is
also in: The Craig Charles Almanac of General Knowledge, but it wasn't
Amsterdam, it was Hamburg! I am not quite sure, whether I truly believe, that
actually happened to Craig! It might well have done, but I do have my doubts,
where that is concerned, anyhow! The next question, that I had asked, Craig,
had been, about, his Football. When he, had been, about sixteen, he had played,
for the Liverpool Youth Team, and The Tranmere Youth
Team. I had informed, Craig, that I had found, that out, because I had, read
it, in: The Red Dwarf Programme Guide, and Craig’s remark, to one, and all, had
been - "So, I'm a Footballer, as well?!". He
seemed quite surprised, that I had taken an interest, where
that was concerned, anyhow! And Craig, had stated - "Yes, I played
Football, for a time, and I used to do this, and that-". Which means that he pretended to bounce a Football on his head!
Craig actually revamped that on his: Live on Earth! Show Video, with a real
Football! So, I was really pleased that he remembered me! I went on to ask him
if he knew Brian Regan (Terry Sullivan on Brookside), because he played for the
main Liverpool team, before he went into acting, and he said that he knew him
very well, and that he lived round the corner from him, and he goes to see him,
whenever he can. Now the inevitable question, that I was to ask Craig next, my
curiosity getting the better of me, just like the Cheshire Pussy Cat in Alice
in Wonderland - Do you like Brookside? Craig's answer to this was - "No, I
don't. It's aimed at Yuppies! And with that, he proceeded to do a Liverpudlian
accent with a Yuppie dialect! It was really funny, and Craig, if you ever do
get to read this, I don't like Brookside
either! It was my Mother-in-law, who got me to watch Brookside
in the first place! And I did watch Brookside, on and off for a laugh, from
time to time, but ever since, I have got into Red Dwarf, I have gone off
Brookside, somewhat, because I do not like the way, that it is aimed, at Liverpudlian's! I remember asking a chap at my Amateur
Dramatic society, if he watched Brookside, and
he stated, that he would rather watch paint dry!
However it doesn't mean to say, that I don't have great respect for some of the
people in it, like Brian Regan, Sue Johnston (who knew Paul McCartney and had,
worked, for: Brian Epstein!) and Paul Usher! So, there you have it! There was a
little boy who asked Craig, if Holly had got over his computer rashes! Of
course Craig hit on it, and he got Bev to bring him over, so he could hear him
properly, as his voice was rather faint, but he was rather shy, the little boy,
but I did get to speak to him, and his Brother at the Disco, later on, and they
seemed, rather nice! Craig was asked about Red Dwarf's impact in the United States,
and how successful it was on PBS (which he made fun of!), and what a success
Bread is over there, as well (which I don't like! Now, I've got great respect
for some of the people in it, like Jean Boht, and Jilly Coman, but I couldn't stand
all the shouting and the arguments in it, all the time, which was a great
shame, really, because there were certain aspects of it, which I had liked,
that had worked, really well, when all had been said and done!). Craig stated,
that there are some people, who actually think, that we really do film in
space, which really does surprise me, especially, when they can't get a probe
on Mars, let alone, film in space! But then again, there are some people out
there, who really take it very seriously, don't they?
Craig was asked, what his favourite episode of Red Dwarf was, and he said that
it was: Timeslides: Episode V, Red Dwarf III (Which
is also my all-time favourite episode of Red Dwarf!), and his least favourite
episode of Red Dwarf is Waiting For God: Episode IV, Red Dwarf II (My husband
and I didn't like it at first, but we've got into it more since, then. It's
quite a deep episode really. Our least favourite episode of Red Dwarf is -
Confidence and Paranoia: Episode V, Red Dwarf I, but even then, it is pretty
ahead of it's time, where the special effects are
concerned, especially, where the dust storm is concerned! And my husband says
to me, and I agree with him, that the first series of Red Dwarf, is a lot
better, than the first series of Blackadder - The Medieval one! But that is
just what we think, anyway!). One, of the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995
Convention Attendees, had asked Craig, about, when they had filmed - Backwards:
Episode I, Red Dwarf III, and Timeslides: Episode V,
Red Dwarf III, at Tatton Park (We have been, there since, and we, had thought,
that it, had been, really interesting! The Dining Room, is the one, that they,
had used, for Lister and Lady Sabrina, but the front of the Mansion, isn't the
same Mansion, which they, had used for: Timeslides:
Episode V, Red Dwarf III. We think, that it is, definitely a different
building!). The Chap, went on, to say, that Tatton
Park, is owned, by The National Trust (we've been, Members of The National
Trust, since 1986!). The Chap, went on, to say, that
he lived nearby, at Knutsford,
Cheshire, near Tatton Park, which is owned, by The
National Trust. And he, had asked, Craig, how he had coped, with going,
backwards in the water?! Again, Craig has also being asked about this in the
past, and I will quote it once again, from: The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club's
Fanzine: Better Than Life: - "Walking backwards
into a river. It was, like, a bit of a downer, you know! Especially having to
do it again! (laughs) I had these weights on me to
make me sink under the water, and my feet sank into the mud at the bottom, and
I couldn't get up. I nearly drowned! Peter Wragg had
to pull me up. But that was it, it was touch and go on
that! That was one of the most unpleasant things. All the rest of it is fun,
getting thrown through windows, gunge on the head and
all that. I like all that! I'm a frustrated Noel Edmonds really!". The next item was Craig making fun of Robert's book:
The Man in the Rubber Mask! He went on to tell us, that he got knocked about a
lot on Demons and Angels: Episode V, Red Dwarf V, and he kept on getting a lot
of bruises, especially when Robert's hands came out of that box, and hit him on
the head, quite hard by accident. Now I had to pipe up again, and I said -
"Well Robert said in his book, that you didn't feel a thing!". Craig had to laugh at this, and he said - "Well
I can assure you, that I did!". (I had liked,
Robert's book: The Man in the Rubber Mask, because as, I had, only become, a
Fan, of Red Dwarf, during the 1994 re-runs, and I wanted to know a little bit
more about the show, and how it came into being. Well actually it was Robert
himself, who sort of got me into Red Dwarf, because one Saturday morning,
during the Summer of 1994, when I had finally managed to get out of bed, and
even though, I was still half-asleep, I tuned in to BBC Radio Two, and I heard
him talking to Judi Spiers, about his new book, which
I couldn't remember the title of, at the time, but all I heard, was that he was
on Red Dwarf. And I automatically assumed that he was Chris Barrie, who was the
only name, that I was familiar with, where Red Dwarf
was concerned at the time. But I did think it rather strange, when he went on
to say, that he had been a Hippie craftsman in the past, and I didn't think
that quite fitted in with the image, I had in mind, where Chris Barrie was
concerned, from the little, that I had seen of him on television, somehow! And
that he was into the sixties group - The Doors (I like Riders on the Storm). I
had never heard of the character - *Kryten* at the
time, but he did go on to say, that the accent was Swedish/Canadian, and when
he was asked about the leading man of the show, and how well he got on with
him, he stated that he was a great guy, and he really kept on cracking the
whip, and how dedicated he was, etcetera, etcetera!). Craig commented on the
famous Boxer shorts scene in Polymorph: Episode III, Red Dwarf III, and that
they couldn't be heard over all the laughter, and my comment to this was -
"You and Chris didn't have to say a thing, the expressions on your faces
were more than enough!". Well, after that, the
Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Attendees, went onto say, just how slobby Lister was, and I had to say it, didn't I?! -
"Nobody could be like Lister!". It was then,
that I suddenly realised, that there was an overwhelming silence! My first
thoughts were - "What have I said?!", but Craig merely asked me -
"So, you don't think, I'm like Lister, then?!", and my answer to that
was - "No I don't, you're different!". Now I
regret not saying - "You're different, but you have better dress sense!", which is quite true! Now I saw Craig Charles, the
previous August, on a quiz show, which was on very early in the morning, which
had been, known, as: A Word In Your Ear. I had only just started to get into
Red Dwarf then, and I hadn't really seen him on anything else anyway, to make a
judgement. At first I didn't recognise him, because he was so smart! I kept
flipping channels I was amazed at the difference between him and Dave Lister!
However, I watched the rest of the Quiz Show, with guests Dave Willetts and Gabrielle Drake (I've seen her twice on stage,
in "Robinson Crusoe" - 1976 and "Charley's Aunt" - 1991, at
The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton. She's very good), and she was on Craig's
team, well there was only the two of them! However, one of the reasons, I
didn't recognise Craig at first, was because his accent isn't so broad, when
you come to think of it, when it actually comes down to it, at the end of the
day, and when, he had, spoken, to me, he had been, virtually accentless! But I know it is useful for him to keep it up,
where Red Dwarf is concerned, but it was still quite a culture shock for me to
see him, on that Quiz Show! As I act myself, you understand,
that when you are a character in a play, that there are certain traits of you
in there, and I can see a bit of Lister in him, they share the same sense of
humour and ready wit, but there are differences! Well anyway, nobody could be
like Dave Lister, when you think about it really, can they?! I mean - Beer
Milkshakes, Cigarettes in ears, Curries for breakfast, Chilli beers (I did
that, for a laugh at my Mother's, last year! I was given a beer for lunch,
which I tipped into a large glass, and as I happened to notice, a bottle of
chilli sauce on the table, I thought - Shall I?! Well, being not as brave as
Dave Lister, I poured some of the beer out, of the large glass, into a small
sherry glass, and therefore, I had a glass of Chilli beer! I couldn't believe, that I did that! And I am still around to prove it,
anyhow!), and Sugar Puff sandwiches, eight hours a day! Well, there was this
woman, I read about, in a Bella magazine, who was advertising her son for sale,
as a joke, because she was utterly fed up with him! And he did have curries for
breakfast, but he was ten times, more smartly dressed, than Lister! But that is
the closest, I've ever come to seeing anybody, ever
resembling Lister! And I do think that Craig is VERY different, when it
actually comes down to it, at the end of the day! And not only that, my old Amateur Dramatic society, always remembers me,
as Alice Fitzwarren from "Dick
Whittington", whenever I go back to them, and even though I enjoyed the
part at the time, it was over seven years ago! And I reckon that I have done a
lot more, with my acting, is concerned, since then! So, I can well understand
Craig, wanting more recognition, for all his of other acting achievements,
that he has done, over the years! The last thing, that
I asked Craig was, whether he had ever been interested in going to Drama School.
I knew that he hadn't,which surprised me, as I think
that he is a very good actor indeed, and I thought that when I first saw Red
Dwarf, that he had, but I decided to put the question to him, anyway, and his
response to my question was - "I never really wanted to be a tree or a
butterfly!". They say, that where I come from, that if it could run, The
Mersey would get mugged!". I remembered that joke
from: The Craig Charles Almanac of General Knowledge. I did inform him, that I
had done a course at The Birmingham School of Speech and Drama, two years back,
and he did seem rather interested, but I will come back to that, a bit later
on, when I come, to the autograph session, in my Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995
Convention Review. So, that was Craig's bit done, and just before we all broke
up for lunch, Bev was surprised by the arrival of her two Children. Craig, had
come in, carrying Baby Yan, or was it Sam? Well whatever his name was, the Baby
looked like a little angel! Craig jokingly said - "I've got to
Babysit!" As it was Bev's Birthday, Craig also came in carrying a cake,
but Bev was quite aware that it was a joke cake, as she backed away, just in
time, before it exploded! The real cake came after that, and Craig gave Bev, a
Birthday kiss, before we all broke up for Lunch. That wasn't quite the end of
Craig's session, because he was very kind enough to have his photograph taken with
the fans, before we all set off for lunch. I never had my photograph taken with
him, because I thought that I had asked an awful lot of him, when I asked him
all those questions, but we did take shots of him, and I sincerely regret not
asking him for a photograph now, but I will always have my memories of his kind
answers to my questions, which I will always have written down on this report,
and in my heart! I did have the opportunity of introducing myself to Norman
Lovett, who had just turned up, and I thanked him for the signed photograph,
that I had asked him for, four months back, and he said that it was a pleasure,
and he did remember me writing to him, but I will go into that, in a bit more
detail, later on! I haven't finished with that, just yet! The organisers
informed us all, that there was a props display in the mezzanine, which quite
surprisingly, a lot of us went to see. My husband didn't, but I did, and I was
quite surprised to see a Model of a Starbug, Ace Rimmer's craft, a bazookoid, and
most surprisingly a pair of The Justice Boots, that
were used in Justice: Episode III, Red Dwarf IV, which I thought were the best
of the props, overall! And once again, I regretted not taking a photograph of
them! With that, I went up to the room, to have lunch with my husband, which
consisted of a can of beer each, a Mars Bar each and a packet of crisps. I
tried desparately hard to concentrate on reading my
book: Doctor and Son, by Richard Gordon, but I hardly took any of it in,
naturally! And ever since, the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, I have
had to read, my book: Doctor and Son, by Richard Gordon, twice over! After we
had had our lunch, it was almost time for The Red Dwarf Visual Effects Team’s
Session, which had consisted of: Paul McGuinness, and
Alan (Rocky) Marshall, and Mike Tucker. Peter Wragg
couldn't make it, which was a shame, because I would have like to have asked
him questions, about him working with The Andersons on Thunderbirds, but it was
still a very interesting session, nevertheless! I also discovered, via The
Better Than Life review, that I had missed out on the
chance of being filmed, under the direction of Ed Bye, entering the Hotel, as
if I had just arrived, to check in. Apparently, this was done in one take! Just
before I got to the Convention Hall, I had to go past the Open Plan Restaurant,
and I was amazed to see Robert Llewellyn, as himself, eating his Lunch! Kryten, eating a proper meal! How could this be? I thought.
Looking upon that, now, I found it an honour to see him as Robert Llewellyn, as
well as Kryten. Anyway, I had decided, it was best,
to leave him to it.
The Red Dwarf Visual
Effects Team: Paul McGuinness, and Alan (Rocky)
Marshall, and Mike Tucker:
They went on to explain the way, that the credits were listed, at the end of
each episode - "You'll notice at the end of the credits roll, there's
Visual Effects Design: Peter Wragg, and another name.
That's basically because they decided it was stupid if six names went up at the
end each time. Each of us gets our name allocated to one episode, which might
be an episode we had very little to do with. It's just a very easy way of
getting us all credited over the season". They made a joke of Craig's
handling the props - "You have to build things that are handled by the cast.
Craig-proof! Utterly Craig-proof! You can build a thing that a five year old
can bounce on the floor for years, but hand it to Craig, just for a few
seconds, and it's in pieces! The other one's Robert. In Psirens:
Episode I, Red Dwarf VI, we built him a new little Psi Scanner, and at some
point he has to put it down. Of course he's too busy concentrating on looking
through the mask, and acting and breathing, so when he comes to put the Psi
Scanner down - CRASH!!! You run in with the superglue to try and repair it.
You'll find a lot of props upstairs that are battered by the cast!" From
an acting point of view, I have always treated props as if they belong to me,
and so far I have never damaged one yet! Mind you, there's a first time for
everything! They were amazed to discover that Red Dwarf was a comedy set in
space, as they were all so used to working on just straightforward Sci-Fi, over
the years, but it is still a challenge for their skills, nevertheless, and it
can be quite painful when a days work can be all for
nothing, when the models explode! "Oh, there's some bits wedged in the
wall over there!" says Paul. "Generally speaking, if you're building
a model that has to last two seasons like Starbug,
then you put metal into it, you make it sturdy. But models that you know are
going to blow up are generally lightweight plastic", says Rocky. They
explain as long as they get their shot, they're generally happy. So, what
happened to the original Red Dwarf model? "The very first one was built by
an outside model company, and we worked with that for the first two years, and
then it went into storage. it was being lifted up onto
a big fork-lift truck to be put onto a shelf, and it rolled off. It fell about
fifteen feet, and that's it, it went into the skip! The one
that was used in series four, and then built by our lighting camera man, Pete
Tyler, because we were just snowed under with work. It was a model, I
suppose, slightly shorter than the length of this table". They indicated
the six foot piece of furniture. "Peter actually made up all the changes
for that, and it was a combination of a low explosive and high explosive.
Another member of the team wired it up. it was about
fifteen to twenty individual charged bangs within that. The first couple that
go off are purely visual, then the high explosives
actually tore it to pieces. We had only one go at
that. But we filmed with a camera called Photosonix
camera, which does 350 frames a second.The noise this
thing makes, when it's getting up to speed is phenomenal.You
turn it on, and it's vvVVVVVV! Speed! BANG! Off! And
that's a cartridge of film gone. The night that between
having done the filming, and the film going away ready for you to get your rush
print back is the worse bit, because until you get that, you don't know, what
you've got". They said that Ed Bye, who is going to be directing
the next series, says that technology has improved greatly, since he left after
Series III, and that he is very keen to exploit some of the techniques on the
show, such as widescreen or digital technology. They also revealed that there
had been discussions about using CGI, for some of the effects, which is the computerised technique applied successfully to the
space scenes in Babylon
5. So, they went on to discuss their experiences with Starbug
- "There are three Starbug's. You have different
scales for different purposes. For distance shots of Starbug
far away, we need either a very big studio or a very small model. Small models
are cheaper than a very big studio, so we get a small model. Anything where
you've got models crashing or pyrotechnics, the bigger you can get them, the
better. The closer you can get to full size, the better you get. But the Dwarf
in full size would be unwielding. It'd be about the
size of Birmingham,
or something!". Paul McGuinness
was the man in the Psiren costume. He informed me of
that, at the autograph session, but as I act myself, I am fully aware that the
model operation, for a Psiren, a Camille, a Bungle or
a Dalek, is not like acting! You really do need, to know, what you are doing,
where that is concerned! There are presentation skills of course, but it is
still a very specialized thing, indeed. And I have great respect for people who do that, and I do take an interest in model
operation of course, but I still wouldn't know where to begin, where that is
concerned! Voice overs of the models, is more like acting of course. For
example: Roy Skelton over The main Dalek, and Zippy in Rainbow, etcetera, and
Judy Pascoe, over the Camille blob of course! Paul went on to explain, about
his very complicated role - What was it like kissing Craig? "It was
okay" says Paul hesitantly. "He was a good foot away, so we had to
make an extension for his tongue! Even Craig hasn't got a tongue that long! He
might tell you he has, but he hasn't! Mike's face lit up - "The funny
thing about that was, because Andy De Emmony
(Director of Series VI) wanted this dream-like quality to them kissing each
other, they were on this big revolve, so they were stood on this thing, going
round and round and round, and as Peter Wragg, was
crouched at the bottom of the shot moving the thing by hand. As they shouted
cut, Craig, with this mouthful of KY that he'd sucked off this monster, went
FLOB! Right onto Peter's head!". They were also
asked about the dangers of working with explosives, and whether there had ever
been any serious injuries, especially amongst the cast. Rocky said -
"We've not had any injuries as such, mainly, because when you're working
with explosives, particuarly when they're on artists,
you do spend a lot of time, making sure, that it is going to go right. Peter
will always be on the set, making sure that we are doing that. If we ever did
think that it was going to be too dangerous, then we will just say - "No, it
doesn't happen. Of course, Craig's always there, going - YES, YES! Make it
better! Do it bigger!". As far as I am aware,
Craig seems to like doing his own stunts, which is quite understandable,
really, especially as he was once a sportsman, and he seems quite fit enough to
take the risk! But then again, if it were me, I would prefer the use of a
stuntwoman! It's so much easier. I also asked them if there ever had been any
broken arms or legs, but they informed me, that the worst accident, that they
had ever had, with regard to explosives, was when they did the explosion, when
they attacked the self-loathing beast in Terrorform:
Episode III, Red Dwarf V, with the bazookoids, and
bits of cork, went and accidentally caught Danny on his face, and he did get a
bit burnt, to say the very least! But other than that, there is nothing really
to worry about, where the explosions, are concerned! They were also asked, how
an aspiring Visual Effects Designer would get a job at the BBC, and Mike said-
"It's very difficult to say, because we cover such a range. At the moment,
I don't think anyone there, has come from the same sort of background. We've
got people who've done fine art, people who've done Engineering. We've got one
guy who used to design guidance systems for torpedos.
There's no point in just turning up with one skill, that's the main thing. If
you turn up as the best model maker in the world, but you can't sculpt
polystyrene or mix gunge for Noel's House Party, then
you're not going to get on, because basically, you don't specialise. Mike, went on to say, how he had got his job. I saw the then
Heads of the Special Effects Department, being interviewed on TV, when I was
ten years old. I wrote to them and said - Gis a Job.
They wrote back and said - Come and have a look around, so I went around the
department, and I had a long chat with the boss, and he said - "Well, do
something like theatre design, as that gives you a really broad base, and when
you've got a good education, give me a call, and we'll see what we can do".
"And I did. I left college and I joined the Beeb, the following day. It
doesn't happen that way very often, I was lucky". Again, I did do Art, at
the CSE level at School, and as I worked hard, I did get a Grade Three, because
I think the Examining Board, must have felt sorry for me! However if you are
going to act, and if you set painting, which I have done, it can be a great
thing, because it does teach you about presentation skills, which are very
important, and that means you can work with people behind the scenes quite
easily, even though I couldn't do what these Boyz do,
I prefer to act, it's so much easier! But I have great respect for what the
design team, because we actors, could not do without
them, at the end of the day! Mike also informed us, that to get into Model
work, is not as easy as it looks, and for any would be Red Dwarf model
enthusiasts, out there. You have to do a four year degree course, at College,
at the very least! Going back to the mention of gunge,
we asked what it is actually made of. "Industrial food thickener,
and industrial food colouring. If you've ever had a Pot Noodle, the dust that's
in that, is what we use! Without the flavouring, and the
salt. And the strange grisly bits! It tastes better! Much better! Their
roles, over the Red Dwarf series are - Mike has been a part of Lister in
Legion: Episode II, Red Dwarf VI. "Where you see the appendix shot, that's
me! That's my stomach! Well, it was a plaster cast of it, filled with gelatine,
but basically it's me!". Rocky played the hands, that held it apart. Mike was also the Blob in
Camille: Episode I, Red Dwarf IV. So, I did all the dancing! And it's me on the
Red Dwarf Smeg Ups tape, that
kept dropping the drink in the soup! They talked about practical jokes - Mike
said - "The worst thing thing that ever happened
to me, was, I went away for two weeks. What I couldn't understand, was, why
everyone was standing around my desk going - "Oh, welcome back, did you
have a good holiday?". I sat down and I opened
the cupboard door,and about
eight gallons of water, came out of it. They'd completely sealed it up, so it
was all water tight, filled it up, and they were all waiting for me to open the
door! It's not that common. It used to be more common". And
his revenge? "One of our guys, who was
well into pyrotechnics, and thought that he knew everything going. He had gone
out, and we were writing up a fairly big battle scene for Doctor Who, and I got
one of those small cheeses with the red wax on, and I put two yellow wires onto
the end of it. I rolled it up and I put it in his ammo box. He came along and
said - "Does anyone know what this is?". We
said - "Dunno, better try it". So, we ran
out forty feet of wire, attached this small cheese to the end of it, and
pressed the button. Then I walked on, took the wire off, and ate it!". They're very quick to admit though - "You don't
tend to muck around too much with the equipment, to be honest, because you have
to respect it". I personally would not like to fool around with the
special effects myself, because as I've done Amateur Dramatics, I have seen one
or two explosions myself in the past. When I was Alice Fitzwarren
in "Dick Whittington", I witnessed an oven exploding, with a supposed
rat in it, and even when I was backstage, the effect, which I saw actually
being done with a wire, of some kind, was quite overpowering, and it gave me
quite a bit of a fright! It's very similar to fireworks, when you think about
it! In another Amateur Dramatic society, I was in a Production called:
"Friends and Neighbours", I played the character - Petri Garanakova. Again I was backstage, when the effect
happened, which consisted of the man of the household, Mr Grimsdale,
fitting a porch light, which went dramatically wrong, because of the wiring,
and again, the explosion was quite powerful, which certainly made me jump!
Unfortunately however, on the last night, the technician,
forgot to press the button, and the actors themselves, had to make up the
noises, which was quite a bit of a struggle, I can tell you! From what I've
heard, when they did the production, eight years ago, he also forgot to press
the button! He was known, as No Bang Rogers, ever since! Still, I'm the last
person in the world, who would want to mess about with visual effects, even
though I do have quite a genuine interest in them. I'm more worried about
ending up in hospital, than anything! One question I had to ask was - "How
do they work with the cast, because I read an interview, where Hattie Hayridge said, that the the cast
usually had the day off, so they could get on with the model work?". Their reply to this was- "That doesn't happen
anymore. We don't have anything to do with the cast, where the models are
concerned, we have our own studios at Acton
for that, and we only get involved with the cast for the Visual Effects work,
when it is absolutely necessary". Finally, they held up Arnold Rimmer, well to be precise, it was Arnold Rimmer's Light Bee! But it certainly had us all fooled for
a few minutes, because I would have dearly have loved to have met Chris Barrie
in person! So, with the Visual Effects Teams questions and answers session
finished, it was very nearly time, for Norman Lovett's
act. I had heard, since, that Ed Bye, had decided, that he had, wanted, as
many, of the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention Attendees, as possible,
to be Filmed, as if, they had all, been arriving, together, at The Ramada Hotel, Gatwick, Crawley,
West Sussex. Unfortunately however, I missed that, but if the
opportunity had arisen, I would have been delighted to bring my acting skills
into the limelight, but sadly, it just wasn't to be. As, I had been, passing,
by the Bar, I had been, quite surprised, to see, Craig Charles, playing Pool,
with the Fans, from a distance! From what I saw, I thought that he seemed very
good, and for a time I was reminded of: White Hole: Episode IV, Red Dwarf IV!". That was the only thing about him,
that did make me think that he was Dave Lister, that Weekend! As, I had
stated, just now, I really, do feel, that he, is different! I would, have
loved, to have played, a game, of Pool, with him, but I really, do feel, that I
definitely, would not, have been, able, to have, offered him, much of a
challenge, really, and it, had been, a while, since I had played, a game of
Pool. 1992, to be precise! And even then, Paul and I,
had only done it, for a laugh, at the time!
Norman Lovett and His Stand Up Comedy Act:
Now this wasn't actually a questions and answers session. It was his
Stand-up Comedy act, which again, I don't really specialise in, even though I
have great respect for people who do it. Apparently all his material was brand
new, and as far as I was aware, he was on the same bill at The Duke of York
Theatre in London, where Craig Charles did his: Live on Earth! Show. I quite liked the joke about the antics of his male
Dog: Poppy, with his funny little doleful eyes, and there was a very short
questions and answers session. He also made the best of his act at Battersea,
to the seven people, who had turned up to that, and said - "We've got a
few more here, this afternoon, than at Battersea!".
Norman was asked if he was going to be, in Red Dwarf VII, and if I remember
rightly, I don't think he gave an answer about that, as such. He was asked if
his little girl, was a Fan, but Norman jokingly said - "Well, she's only
five, so we have to strap her down to the chair, so that she knows, that her
Daddy is in it!". "I did ask him, if he'd ever been in Pantomime,
because I have always thought, that it would suit him, as he has the right kind
of humour for it! Apparently Norman, said, that there had been an opportunity,
where that was concerned, somewhere up North, but it had fallen through, but
should the opportunity ever arise again, of course he would be delighted to do
Pantomime! Actually to be fair to Norman, he did do an excellent double act
with Danny John-Jules, on the Sunday, and I'll go into a bit more detail, a bit
more, when I eventually come to it, in my Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995
Convention Review, anyhow! In-between times, I did have the honour of meeting
Robert, before his bit, and I thanked him for his signed photograph, via the
post, and he said, that I was welcome. I shook his hand, and it felt very
strange shaking his hand, but he was in Kryten
costume, and therefore, I found shaking his hand, was very much like, feeling a
a driving glove! It was of a very similar texture.
Craig was also with him, and I couldn't resist the opportunity and I exclaimed
- "I really love your double act! It's so sweet!".
However, Robert seemed rather surprised, and said - "I would never have
thought of it, as a double act!". I had to go
back to the room after that, anyhow. But been an actor myself, I do understand
that if you are working on a production yourself, and especially in Robert's
case, that you look at it, from an entirely different point of view, and in
some cases, it can take years for some actors to understand, what they did
years ago, when they worked together as a double act, when it was just an
acting job to them, at the time. And it has happened to me, when I've looked at
old videos of my amateur acting, recently. Still it was great fun, telling them
that I thought that they were really sweet! And so it was almost time for
Robert Llewellyn's bit, but before I go into that:
There was other Red Dwarf Footage, before that, and: The Reluctant Cook, had
been, a Former: BBC2: Cookery Show, which Craig Charles, had appeared on,
during 1988, which had been, hosted by, the Manx
Celebrity
Chef, and Actor,
and Television
Presenter, and Businessman, and Hotelier,
and the Former: Restaurateur: Kevin Woodford, who had, used to be, a Regular
Chef, on the Former BBC2 and BBC1 (the Celebrity Version): Cookery Show: Ready
Steady Cook, as well, as presenting, the Former: BBC1 Cookery Programme, which
had, used to be, on most mornings: Can't Cook, Won't Cook. when
Ainsley Harriott (the Gelf Chief in Emohawk - Polymorph
II: Episode IV, Red Dwarf VI), has a break. It started off with Craig by The
Mersey in Liverpool, surprisingly, and he went on to say that he couldn't cook,
and that the only thing he could do, was baked beans (I won't go into that!).
Well, he took him round: Liverpool ONE Shop/Shopping Centre, where they
brought, various cheeses, etcetera, and back, to this house, where they were,
having friends, over for dinner, who couldn't make it, and they ended up,
eating the food themselves! Well anyway, I heard a voice at the back of the
room, and everybody seemed to be turning around, apart from me and my husband
of course, who were intent on watching the programme (we thought it was was one of the Fans who had had, far too much to drink, who
had come in from the bar with some friends, well you know how it is!). I didn't
recognise the voice at first, but I did tend to notice, that the accent seemed
to be like a London
accent, with a bit of a Northern accent thrown in, could it be Mancunian
perhaps? Then it had, suddenly dawned, on me, the accent, had been, true Scouse
Liverpudlian, and it, had been, none other, than Craig Charles, himself, who
had come, into the Convention Hall, to make fun, of his own: Cookery Programme!
And, his friends, had been, the Organizers! I whispered to my husband, and
nudged him to turn round - "It's him, Craig Charles!", and we both
turned round, and Craig, who looked, as if he hadn't had too much to drink at
all, said - "That wasn't even my kitchen! It was a French Kitchen!",
and before we could bat an eyelid, he was gone! Only he could make fun of his
own cookery programme! And my husband and I, felt quite touched, that he had
made his presence known to the fans, who didn't want to join him in the bar,
and who just wanted to be boring, by being present at every Red Dwarf event,
that was going! And so, after that, the rest of the Cookery Programme,
was interrupted, and it was time for none other, than Robert Llewellyn, in Kryten Character, nevertheless!
Robert Llewellyn:
Doing his duty to the very last, Kryten entered
the room, pushing a cleaning trolley, and with that, he proceeded to clean, the
Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention Attendees, who had been lucky enough
to have a seat, on the edge of the aisle, and they lapped it up into the
bargain! Oddly enough, I had the first question, and I just couldn' t resist it - "Er yes Madam?" Kryten asked
me. "Where's your groinal attachment?!" I
asked him. "O, I er um, I erm,
I'm afraid I forgot it!". Now, I had been
expecting him to say - "Oh, I accidentally welded it into the kettle or
the orange blender, and I got quite a few unknown sensations, that a Mechanoid, should never know!".
"I forgot it?!". Oh, well, what with all
those lines, constantly going round, in his: Databanks, it can, get a bit much
sometimes, and as I struggle with lines, that Mr Shakespeare, had written, in
my Databanks, from time to time, I decided to test my acting ability. Well, you
never know! "This place is a disgrace! It wants a good hoovering,
Mechanoid!", and with that, our little
Shakespearean Soliloquy, was ended! Now that isn't the first time, I've used my
improvisation techniques before. When I was at Junior School, there was a
travelling band of Drama students who did: Pinocchio. Now, I was quite
interested, in the Evil Magician, who had, wanted to capture: Pinocchio, and
cause all kinds of trouble, into the bargain, and he had to find something, so
he could drug: Pinocchio. I had Cherubically and Seraphically, piped up from the audience, that I had a
handkerchief with Magical properties, that could be, very useful for him, and
the Evil Magician, had thought, that it was Christmas, and he took my Magic
handkerchief off me, so that he could trap: Pinocchio. I got jeered at by all
the other kids, of course, for helping, the Evil Magician, but that's
showbusiness for you! Now I just had to ask him, about Mr Lister's diet, before
he was seated - "Mr Lister really loves those Sugar Puff Sandwiches, that
you serve him up with, doesn't he?!". With
regard, to that question, Kryten had answered, my
question, in quite, a Cheery manner - "Oh yes! Never have I known, a Guy,
get through, so many, of those Liddle Sugar Puffs,
like he does! He has an appetite, which surpasses all human understanding, and
I swear that I have never seen so many Sugar Puffs passed into one gut, and
come out at the other end looking horribly similar! I don't understand it! But
then being, a Mechanoid, I don't have poo! I just have a small box of waste products, that I
offload, every week!". Once he was seated, Kryten picked up a glass of water and said - "Aha,
it's, it's an aardvark! (wild applause) It's an aaadvark in the shape of a glass! I almost did it! One of
the next questions, he was asked was - "How did you learn all those Space
Corps Directives?!". "Oh, it's very easy,
they're written up on very large pieces of card for me! You'd be surprised how
many different numbers, I've managed to say, when it's just the same number! I' ve managed not to say my phone
number yet, that would be very embarrassing!". They couldn't resisit it, could they?! Sex! Just how did, a Service Mechanoid, relieve those endless hours of loneliness, when
they're built like Action Man?! Kryten's reply to
this was - "Ah, the old nothing down there, but plastic underpants and a
trade mark problem! Yes, yes, it's a great problem. I quite enjoy reading.
There's a sign which says Fire Exit by my bed. I like reading that! There's not
really a lot, which you can do. You can remove various limbs and you can play
football with them! It's a very sad lonely existence, there's not a lot you can
really do. Ironing is obviously, a great thrill, to me, and having, a Baby, is
something, I'd like to do. There was talk, of a Little:
Baby Kryten, but it never came off, it never came
out, well, it never went in, I don't know! And what of
Camille? Would he like her to come back? When I first saw that, I did
actually think, that there, was going, to be, a Baby Mechanoid,
on board, the following week, but that, just wasn't, to be, as Kryten, had just explained, to one and all. Well, Camille
would be quite happy, if she weren't reunited with me! (Judy Pascoe is his real
life partner, apparently!) "No, I'm not putting that bloody mask on again,
you Bastard! Unfortunately Spare Head Three takes over - "What you looking
at, yer bastards?! Is it funny, looking, at a poor
old Droid, with Droid Rot, and Silicon Rickets?! Ooh, I've just cacked me pants!". What was Mr Llewellyn's experiences on Red Dwarf U.S.A, like? To
that, Mr Llewellyn answered - "I had a different mask on then, which meant
that I could eat Humanoid food, which was an extraordinary experience. In America, they
give you a lot of food at a big table, that goes on forever and it's called
Craft Services, and there's lots of men who come and replenish your Danish
pastries, and your nuts and your coke, and you just spend all day eating. Then
they say, would you mind coming to say a line? And you
say - "Well, I'll just finish this croissant, and then I'll talk to one of
my many agents, then I'll wander over to my Limousine, and say my line, and
then I'll go home". And for that, I'm paid $43,000 per week! Yes, Mr
Llewellyn loved it!". From what I've gathered
from reading Robert's book: The Man in the Rubber Mask, they not only had the
Craft Services, but they also had lunch, as well! Not only that,
the doors that lead in to the sets, have entrances, ten times, higher
than ours! But then again, their actors aren't nearly as good as ours! Now my
next question for Kryten was, and I couldn't resist
it - "Are there times when you see Mr Lister, as a kind of son that you
never had, and don't want around sometimes?!". I
got that from Blackadder, when General Melchett sent his aide Kevin Darling to
the front, in the very last episode of the series, and he told him, that he saw
him as a spotty kind of back stairs illegitimate son, that nobody likes to have
around, very much, when it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day!
The bit at the end, where I asked Kryten if he didn't
want him around sometimes, was my referral to incidents on Red Dwarf, when he
doesn't seem to want Mr Lister around, when he tends to get on his nerves somewhat,
especially to quote from - The Inquisitor:
Episode II, Red Dwarf V - "Have you sawn through those damn manacles,
yet?!". I will also quote from - Back To Reality: Episode VI, Red Dwarf V,
when Lister stated - "It damned near wiped out everything on the entire
planet, spreading despair and destruction, wherever it spread it's ugly
mush!". Kryten's reply to this was:- "It sounds rather reminiscent of a species, sitting
not a million years away from me! You probably, have to be a Mechanoid, to fully, appreciate that, one!". And Kryten's
answer to my question? "Son? Son? Oh no Madam, he's my Mentor! I admire Mr Lister
immensely! He's an incredibly sensitive and caring man. He has one or two
personal hygiene problems that an orbital sander produced by Bosch, would be
quite useful for! But he's a wonderful man and I admire him immensely. He's
very intelligent with an alarmingly good memory". Kryten
was asked if had spoken to Mr Llewellyn about writing Red Dwarf VII - "Yes
I have, and Mr Llewellyn is currently cacking his
pants at the thought of trying to come up with anything, even a fingernail as
good, as the Grant Naylor Productions Team, have produced, in the last six
years! Firstly he will have to learn to use words with more than four letters, that is the biggest challenge. Poo,
that's only got three you see! Why is poo funny? When
you look at it in the bowl, you don't think it's funny! Kryten
went on, to say, that Mr Llewellyn, has also, written
a book, entitled: Thin He Was and Filthy-haired: Memoirs of a Bad Boy, to be
published by Penguin Books. It is about the history of his early days as a long
haired layabout, Hippy, car thief, and a kitchen hand at Brasenose College,
Oxford. And
it's very funny, so I've been told. There are not a lot of references to Red Dwarf, in fact it has zero references to Red Dwarf! There is
another book coming out, entitled: Therapy and How to Avoid It,
which Mr Llewellyn has co-written with Mr Nigel Planer, who played Neil in -
"The Young Ones". The planned front cover for this book is for Mr
Llewellyn to be wearing a long haired wig, looking miserable, and Mr Planer to
be wearing a mask, not unlike the one I'm wearing now. Mr Llewellyn has also
written a screenplay, which who knows, might get made in 1996. Apparently in the
world of showbiz, you never count your chickens until you've received the
cheque!". A few weeks ago, I listened to an
interview on BBC Radio Two, and Nigel Planer, was
promoting the book, and he mentioned working with Robert, on it, and it did
seem quite an amusing book, from what I heard. So, was Kryten
able to call Rimmer, a Smeghead
to his face yet? "Oh no, not to his face, but behind his back, very
easily!". What was Kryten's
favourite episode of - "Androids?!".
"Ha, it's obviously the divorce! It was when Betty buried Dirk! Remember
that?! That was great, instead of divorcing him, she
just buried him in a steel box in the backyard! How we laughed!". So, would we be seeing the return of Talkie Toaster?". I think Mr Lister has done Talkie Toaster in forever!
Much as we'd like him back. I think I require Mr Lister's assistance now".
"He's here!", came Craig's voice from the
back of the room. You know, I had a feeling that Craig would join up with
Robert, sooner or later! I would have been very surprised, if they hadn't! I've
always thought of those two as a team! "Oh Mr Lister, sir, how are you?
Please use my hand as an ashtray!" says Kryten,
once Craig is seated. So, they went on to discuss I Camcorder - "Did you
like I Camcorder?". Craig asks the crowd. "I
thought it was good. It's good to see him doing something with his ugly head
on!". Everybody sympathizes, then ever defiant,
Craig says - "Oh come on! You soft middle class wusses!". Kryten interjects and says
- "He means you charming delightful, intelligent well-educated people!". "He translates for me. Into robo-bollocks!". Craig ever so politely confirms. Kryten
was asked, what he would like Silicon Heaven to be
like?! And his answer to that was - "Oooooh, it
will be like a sort of Dixons superstore, on a sunny day!" he says
dreamily. "Millions of camcorders, and video machines,
and TV's and hoovers! Wonderful hoovers, shapely hoovers, round hoovers, big, tall hoovers, with
lots of nozzles, and large clipping bits!". "Hey,
I've had your hoover in Polymorph mate!", goaded Craig. "I never knew that hoover two timed me! The dirty dustpan!".
Kryten sobs. Seriously though, with regard to I
Camcorder, by a strange coincidence, Craig liked the Sports day episode, which
he thought was the best one, and so did I, because I thought Robert had really
developed as a presenter, because there was quite a lot of action, concerned,
as Kryten will now confirm, especially as he was
asked - "Did Mr Llewellyn throw the race at the school, or is he just crap
at running?!". "Oh poor Mr Llewellyn. If he
was here now, he would be terribly embarrassed! Tragically, he was to admit,
and he told me in private, and he asked me not to repeat it, but I am engaging
deceit mode! He tried really hard to win that race! One of the men was in the
last stages of tuberculosis, and could hardly stand, stubbed out a cigarette,
before they had started, and left Mr Llewellyn standing, as he roared up that
track! Mr Llewellyn had had an extremely heavy lunch that day,
and it showed! Underneath that vest there was 400lbs of solid flesh. Well, not
very solid flesh!". Craig had asked, Kryten, a question, he just, could not, resist - "Why
did you fix Talkie Toaster?". Practically in
guilt overload, Kryten manages to explain -
"Don't you remember that morning? You said that you didn't want the tinned
dog food anymore. You know, the er,
the dog food. Well I thought I'd make you a slice of toast. I thought how do I
do that? The grill was broken because you'd been drying your socks in it, and
one of the socks had backfired, that was how Mr Lister had described it. I
thought that I would use Talkie Toaster. I got him out of the cupboard, and I
fixed him up, and he started talking, and it all went horribly wrong". Now
was Kryten happy being a part of the Red Dwarf crew?
"Well, the Nova 5 crew were a lot easier to look after,
and a lot thinner too. They consumed less curry. The toilets were spotless for
many thousands of years, it was almost as if they
didn't use them. Extraordinary, but here is a sort of joie de vivre, as I
believe they say in the nuclear power testing country". "Oh I
see" Craig mocked. "When in doubt, go for the topical gag!". "Yes", Kryten
agreed, milking the situation, and holding up his glass of water. "Ah,
it's not Perrier, phew!". Somebody attempted to
do a Kryten impression, and asked them what they did
in their spare time. And Craig, had been, under the impression, that it, had
been, a Welsh accent, as most, of the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention
Attendees, had done, at the time! I don't think that I was paying much
attention to that at the time! Craig's answer to that question was - "We
don't have any spare time. We're show business internationals, and we just work
so hard, trying to keep you people happy!". "And
if we're not working hard, we're playing golf together", Kryten adds. "Wearing those jumpers
that have diamonds on them. I love playing golf, I love gin and tonic,
and I love giving head!". Craig had to correct
this obviously - "You give spare head!". Now
I just had to be different and I came out with my acting abilities once more -
"What Computer, does Master Llewellyn use?!".
As soon as my hand was up, Craig didn't hesitate, and he answered me, in his
posh voice:- "He-llo!".
And with that, came a roar of laughter from the crowd, and I nearly passed out
in my chair, then and there! He had remembered me, from this morning! I
couldn't believe it! I was totally at a loss for words, but I did manage to
smile at him and said- "Oh Hello". Master Llewellyn answered my question,
in his normal voice, which was quite surprising, really! -
"Apple". However, being the erstwhile comedian that he is,
Craig had decided to hit on my "Master Llewellyn", and he would not
let it go, and come to think of it, neither would I! Seriously though, I knew
that Craig was just using his comedians instincts to
get the better of me, because I was artistic! I don't know, whether that makes
sense to anyone, but it does to me, and ever since that very day, I have
thought of Robert as "Master Llewellyn", working away on his Apple
Mac computer in the cellars for the rest of eternity, with his little Wizard's
hat on! I don't know why I think of him like that, it just keeps going on round
and round in my mind. I don't know whether Craig and Robert have remembered it,
I would like to think, that they have. Well anyway,
I'm missing the point aren't I? Because I went on to ask Master Llewellyn, as I
will address him from now on, when I didn't address him as Kryten,
that is:- "Do you think that there should be Drama schools for Mechanoids?! I'm asking about this, because of Master
Llewellyn's Drama
School audition, that I
read about in his book: The Man In The Rubber Mask,
the one that he did really well at! Well, actually Master Llewellyn, didn't do
all that well at his Drama School audition, but he did put his best effort into
it, I must say! And I have great respect for Robert as a writer, and after all
I am trying to be a writer myself, as well as an actress! Well, anyway, I
think, that what he does, writing is far more important than acting, when it
actually comes down to it, at the end of the day, because if you didn't have
scripts, then nobody would be able to act them out, would they?! Going to Drama School
full-time, isn't the b and end all, really, especially
as only two percent of one hundred percent of Drama School
students, make it, at the end of the day! That's why I only study part-time, as
it just wouldn't be worth my while, to do it on a full-time basis, and grants
are unobtainable, and believe you me, I do know, as I have indeed looked into
it! It's soul destroying really, especially when I went to Birmingham, and I spoke to some of the
full-time students, who were leaving after four years of training, and they
didn't know which direction, they were going, afterwards, etcetera. Oh, there
was one chap, who had an acting job to go to. He had, a part, in a documentary,
on BBC2, called: Miners. I had remembered, seeing it, promoted, on BBC2, at the
time. It was rather to his advantage, that he had been a Miner, before he went
to Drama School though! He informed me, that he had worked at the Nottingham
Colliery, which is part of the East Midlands.
He informed me, that he had hated it, but he was rather sad, that it had been
short-listed, by Mr Heseltine. Well, anyway, I'm straying off the point again,
aren't I? Robert answered me with - "Oh yes! To this day, Mister Llewellyn
cannot walk past the Central School Of Speech And Drama, without his head
hanging in shame!", and he chuckles - "Ha, ha, I didn't go there!". And, Craig's Cherubic and Seraphic reply, to that,
had been - "Well, Master Llewellyn didn't really want to be a tree you
see!". I thought it best not to comment on that
for the time being! Kryten went on to say-
"Mister Llewellyn's opinion of Drama Schools is,
that are very good for people who want to be actors and wear tights! Oh yes,
and being a tree! If you want to be a tree go to Drama school. Wearing tights
is fun. I can wear tights, but not in public! How about you?!".
Craig went on to say - "I've actually been wearing stockings and
suspenders for three weeks now, ever since my girlfriend found them in my car!". My thoughts on this were - When I was at the Drama School
I wore a track suit, and I remember people wearing jeans with holes in them,
and men wearing vests, but I don't think I actually saw any people wearing
tights about the place! But then again, I only went during the Summer term, and therefore, I don't really know, what they
get up to, in the Winter! They were also asked what their favourite Red Dwarf
scene was - "The moment, when we were riding horses in the Gunmen
episode", Kryten had answered. Craig had
laughed, and he had stated, angelically - "Oh yes. Tell that story, you
make me sound, like a right git!". So, Kryten,
had launched, into his Story: Gunmen of The Apocalypse: Episode III, Red Dwarf
VI. "Gunmen Of The Apocalypse. It's a rainy day,
in Brands Hatch, Kent. Four men sit on four horses. Two of those men, Danny
John-Jules, and Mister Llewellyn have ridden horses before. They're experienced
with riding horses, they know they can ride horses, they are also aware of the
dangers. Mister Christopher Barrie has never ridden a horse before. It has no
steering wheel! It has no brake pedal, and it is not fitted with an aspirated
V8 engine - the sort of thing, he's used to! Mister Charles has never ridden a
horse before. Mister Charles has no fear! I will now do a very poor impression
of Mister Charles on a horse. "Ey!
Let's hit it and see what happens!". "
"I didn't fall off, no one got hurt! I do all my own stunts!". Craig pleaded with the audience. Ah, but little did
he know, I have read - The Making of Red Dwarf, by Joe Nazzaro,
since then, and that particular episode, in question, was mentioned. And, from what, I had read, Chris
Barrie, had nearly, crashed into, a Stage Coach! Kryten
went on - "Yes, the rest of us aren't used to doing our own stunts, but
boy did we do them, that day! The other great thing, that day, was the four
stunt men, who ride those horses normally. They all had guns, and they were
going to shoot Kryten. So, we asked them, if the
horses would be scared of guns. "Not at all", was the answer.
Marvellous we came to shoot. Action. Pull out your
guns. Bang, bang. Arrrrgghhhh! Four stunt men lying
on the ground, four horses at the opposite ends of Brands Hatch. A bit of a
disaster!”. And therefore, Kryten’s/Mister
Llewellyn's bit, was concluded, and so, it was time, for the Autograph Session.
We were warned to hurry it up a bit by the Organizers, who had kindly informed
us, that Craig, had got to be off by six, and that got us a little bit worried,
to say the very least! But fortunately however, we got everybodys
autograph in the end! I shook Robert's hand again, we played with the little
lights on his shoulders, they were really sweet! I
touched his armour, and I was amazed at how lightweight, it felt! I had
expected, it to weigh a ton, but it didn't! Robert informed us, that he had got
two Kryten outfits. One for filming, and one
especially made for Red Dwarf Conventions, as he needed one, that was more
lightweight. And he gladly signed my books! I told Doug Naylor, I was trying to
be a writer, and he asked me what I was writing, and I told him I was into
writing Science-Fiction. Craig was on the very end, and he quite happily signed
my books. I told him a little bit more about my acting course,
and I told him, that when I was at the Drama School,
I wasn't a tree, but I threw myself off chairs into the students arms! Actually
to be fair to Craig, I had been a Tree, but it wasn't at Drama School. It was a
Tree in my Junior Schools 1976 production of - "The Wizard Of Oz". I found it rather boring actually, wearing a
brown and grey striped jumper for camouflage, and waving a few branches about!
I've never really taken to extra work, I'd rather have a speaking part, where
my acting is concerned, it's a lot more fun! Craig
seemed rather surprised that I was only a part-time Drama student, but I do
like to be honest! Not only that, it's far more economical for me to do my
acting part-time anyway, as I explained earlier on, in my report. Craig did
ask, if I wanted one of The Last Human posters, he was promoting, but I gently
declined. It wasn't for lack of money, it's just that we live in a two bedroomed house, and we're tripping over stuff, enough as
it is, and at twenty eight years of age, I felt a little bit too young for a
poster! Where Red Dwarf is concerned, I would rather spend my money on books
and videos! I don't mind, people buying the gear or the posters, and even
though I'm quite impressed with the clothes, they're just not my sort of thing,
anyhow! I also informed Craig, that I might have a chance of some work myself.
A chap in my Drama class, Mark had written a play. It was a ghost story, and he
asked me before the end of term, if I was interested in a part in his play, on
a professional basis. I said that I was, but unfortunately, that fell through
in the end, because as with a lot of these things, he couldn't get the backers
for it! He has written another play since,and
he is taking it on to Amateur Dramatics, but I don't wish to do it, on an
amateur basis, but he has said, that he is writing another play, which he is
going to try and do on a professional basis, and he will keep me informed of it's progress, anyhow. Craig very kindly said to me -
"Keep at it, don't give it up!". I also got
him to sign the "Get Well Card", with him and his Space Mumps on, and
I informed him, that I had never had ordinary Mumps, let alone Space Mumps! To
my surprise, Craig admitted, that he had never had ordinary Mumps, either! So,
the Space Mumps must have been quite a revelation to him, and he informed me,
that it is Shingles you get, when you're older, not Mumps, anyhow! But I have
heard it said, that if you do get Mumps, when you're an adult, it can be very
nasty indeed, but it's fairly uncommon now, as most children are inoculated
against it, in this day and age, anyhow! Paul my husband, decided to ask Craig
what the Space Weevil was made from! And he had to think very carefully about
that, and he said - "Vegetarian, I think!".
Actually looking at his: Live on Earth! Show Video, and the way he really makes
fun of Vegetarians, since that very day, I have got that stamped quite firmly
in my mind, about the Space Weevil! I finally asked him about my request for a
signed photograph, via The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club and his response to it
was - "You'll probably never get it! I'm that snowed under with Fan Mail,
but never mind, you can always invite Danny over to tea!".
Actually Craig made that remark, in the July Edition, of: The Official Red
Dwarf Fan Club's: Fanzine: Better Than Life. I
remembered that quite well! So, after we left the autograph session, ever since
that very day, I deeply regret, not having my photograph taken with Craig. I've
got one I took on my own of him, which I asked him to pose for, as I sneaked
out of the queue, and I did get the wonderful opportunity of shaking his hand
twice, and he said - "It's a pleasure", and my husband took another
photograph of him on his own, when he came out of the Convention Hall after his
questions and answers session. And as I stated earlier on, I felt as if I had
asked an awful lot of him, where my marathon set of questions, were concerned!
Perhaps one day, I will get a photograph of him, on his own, so I will just
have to be patient, where that is concerned! But I felt deeply honoured by
asking him about his Poetry, and his Football, more than anything, and I think
he's a really great guy, and perhaps I might get to know him a little better,
if we decide, to go, to the next Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1997 Convention, at
The Hanover International Hotel and Club, Daventry, Northampton,
Northamptonshire, during October 1997! Well, one certainly, lives in hope,
where that is concerned, anyhow! He's a great guy, anyway, and not only that,
Paul and I saw him leave after half past six, with the Organizers, when he was
supposed to be leaving at six, when we were having our evening meal, in the
Open Plan Restaurant. He stayed until every last Fan, had had his autograph,
which was very nice of him, really! I did shout Goodbye to him, but he didn't
hear me, which wasn't very surprising really, when there were a lot of people
there, in the Open Plan Restaurant, who weren't Fan Club members, and there was
this American couple in their sixties, who did ask, the Organizers - "Is
that Craig Charles? Our Grandchildren love Red Dwarf! We didn't know that the
Fan Club was here!". And with that, the
organisers handed them some details about the U.S. Branch, of: The Official Red
Dwarf Fan Club. We eventually worked it out in the end, that
the people in the Restaurant, were from the Wedding party, who had used the
main Restaurant, where we weren't able to book a meal, for that particular
evening, in question. So, after we had had our meal, it was time for the Fancy
Dress and the Disco. We had heard that Robert Llewellyn might stay and do his
Funky Stuff, but he didn't, unfortunately. The Fancy Dress competition was
judged by Ed Bye, Norman Lovett, Helen Norman and Bev. Paul and I were very
impressed with the costumes - Blue Midget, Kryten,
The Chicken Vindaloo Monster, Trixie
La Bouche, Yvonne McGruder
and family, Rimmer and Duane Dibbley
who won. His real name being John Dunthorpe.
The Disco held by Disco Dave was great, and for the first time, we heard
Danny's version of the Red Dwarf Theme, which I have on The Tongue Tied CD,
which is part of your membership pack, if you join his Fan Club! I did ask Dave
for Traffic's: Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush,
which was the theme tune for the Film: Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush. But
they didn't think, that they'd got that one! So, I
asked them for anything by The Beatles, and Dave said,
that wouldn't be a problem, but we didn't stay up too late in the end, and
therefore, we didn't hear them play any Beatles tracks, unfortunately. They
probably played them, after we went to bed, worse luck! Tracks that we do
remember from the Disco were - Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Everybody went wild,
when that one was played, because of Brian May's connections with Psirens: Episode I, Red Dwarf VI, and a track, that stuck
in our minds afterwards - Because They're Young, by Supergrass,
which was fairly new in the charts at the time.
So, Saturday, was finally over, at long last, and the Sunday, of the Red
Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, was now, finally, upon us.
After Breakfast, the very First Highlight, of the day, had been: Red Dwarf
U.S.A.
As, I had, mentioned earlier on, in my Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995
Convention Review, I had liked it, very much, indeed:
Red Dwarf U.S.A:
Red Dwarf U.S.A, is a mixture, of: The End: Episode
I, and Future Echoes: Episode II: Red Dwarf I. Now, to cut, a very, long story
short, I had really, liked: Craig Bierko, who had
played Lister, and the way, that he had, made him, look like, a Kid, in a
Hamburger Bar, and the way, that Chris Eigeman, who
is from, Denver, Colarado, had made: Rimmer, look like, a College Kid! Robert Llewellyn was very
good as Kryten, as one would definitely expect!
Hinton Battle, who is also a dancer, like Danny John-Jules, surprisingly!
Actually, I had heard of him vaguely, and I think he did a pretty good job as
The Cat, but he wasn't Danny! Jane Leeves was very
good as Holly, and her being English anyway, was a great help to her character!
I had read, an interview, about: Red Dwarf U.S.A, in a Science Fiction
Magazine, and I had, also discovered, that Craig Bierko,
had starred, as a Senator, in Danielle Steel's: Star. And, I had, vaguely
remembered, seeing clips, of him, as a Senator, in Danielle Steel's: Star, when
it, had been, on at the time. And, I have also, seen him, on the Video Cover,
of: Danielle Steel's: Star. Now, I am a Great Admirer, of Danielle Steel's books,
but I have, definitely not, read, that one, yet, anyhow! Craig Bierko, hails from, a New York Theatrical Family, and he,
had stated, in the interview, in the Science Fiction Magazine, that he, had
had, Great Fun, working on it, at the time, but he is, definitely aware, of the
fact, that he could, never ever, surpass, Craig Charles, whom he thinks, is a
Great Guy, in a Million years! And Craig Bierko, had
also, stated, in the interview, in the Science Fiction Magazine, that he, is
also, a Fan, of Red Dwarf, anyway, and that, Robert Llewellyn, had been, Great
Fun, to work, with, at the time! Jane Leeves who was
also interviewed alongside, Craig Bierko, in the
Science Fiction Magazine, whom I have discovered, since then, plays the
Housekeeper in Frasier (I have never seen Frasier!), has lived in the States
for about ten years, confessed, that she had never seen any of Red Dwarf, and
that she had modelled her part, on Robin Williams (I had thought, that I had,
recognized, her sense of humour, somehow! But I'm not really a Fan, of Mork and Mindy, anyhow! But I had watched it, when it was
first on, and the best part, of that series, for me, was always at the end,
where his update, of the week, that had passed by, with his Planet’s Leader:
Orson, had been, concerned! And, I had thought, that it, had seemed, rather
ahead, of it's time! It was a pity, that they
couldn't have used Orson, a bit more, then I think,
that it would have been a lot more popular, but I do have great respect, for
Robin Williams, anyhow!). And Paul and I, had thought, that Jane Leeves, had been, one of the best, Supporting Characters,
in Red Dwarf U.S.A! Surprisingly however, with Red Dwarf U.S.A, there was a
second pilot, because the first pilot of Red Dwarf U.S.A,
wasn't popular enough. Actually, we were rather disappointed with the second
pilot, because Robert wasn't in it, as such! They did use bits of the original
pilot, but it didn't gel very well,
and worse of all, they used clips of our Red Dwarf to promote it! There had
been, a different: Rimmer, however, and a different:
Male Cat: Anthony Fuscle, and a Female Cat: Terry
Farrell, who is more, well-known, as: Lieutenant Jadzia
Dax, in: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (I have, only
ever, seen one, Episode, of: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!). Actually, I had
thought, that she had, come across, very well, as the Female Cat, and I had
read, in an interview, that she, had done, in a Science Fiction Magazine, and
she, had stated, that her Audition, for the Female Cat, had consisted, of her,
being very seductive, across a desk! She had seemed, very nice, and she did,
have high hopes, for the part, and she, had been, quite disappointed, when she
had, found out, that: Red Dwarf U.S.A, had been dropped, via the Network! She
had used, the settling down, with the Seven Different
Men bit, with Lister! And there, had been, a very good
scene, in it, when Lister, had been, in charge, of the Dwarf, and he, had
stated, that he was, now: Acting Captain, but he would, rather not, wear the
Captains Uniform, because it had, made him, look like, a Tomato Ketchup bottle!
And that, Rimmer, had kept on, annoying him, by
putting, him right, on every, little detail! There was a short scene based on:
Marooned, but we didn't think that it worked very well, because they were in a
tent, which looked like it was on Antarctica, instead of Starbug.
And we also thought, that particular scene in question, was far too British,
where their sense of humour, was concerned! But all in all, we were quite
impressed, and from what I read of Robert's experience of working with them, I
think that they seemed very nice people to work with, and I think that they put
quite a bit of effort into it, when it actually came down to it, at the end of
the day! And if anybody wants to read the Red Dwarf U.S.A, script, which I had
emailed to me, as an attachment, via an American Red Dwarf Fan, off the
Internet, and it is also, one of the Features, of: Puzlebox: The Unofficial Red Dwarf Website,
then I would highly, recommend it! Unfortunately however, it is only the very
first Red Dwarf U.S.A Pilot, which is available on script, via the Internet.
So, after: Red Dwarf U.S.A, had ended, the Organizers, had asked us, for our
opinions, where: Red Dwarf U.S.A, had been, concerned. Now, you CANNOT, get:
Red Dwarf U.S.A, on Video, in the United Kingdom! And, you must go, to the
right: Red Dwarf Conventions, to see it! There were a lot of people, who did
like Red Dwarf U.S.A, and there were a lot of people who didn't like Red Dwarf
U.S.A! They thought that it was too plastic etcetera,
and that, they didn't think, that they could act like our actors! But I do
not, want, to go, into too, much detail, about that, because Red Dwarf U.S.A,
has been shown, at the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump Conventions, before, and the
Red Dwarf Fans, have given, their opinions, on Red Dwarf U.S.A, before, anyhow!
But Paul also liked Red Dwarf U.S.A, anyway, and that was good enough for me!
After Lunch, it was time for Jane Killick and her
slide show, but she wasn't ready, and so it was Danny John-Jules turn! It was
more of an informal atmosphere for the remaining guests, because the Film Crew, were only, filming on the Saturday, but we all had a
great time, anyway! So, without any further ado. It
was time for Danny John-Jules, and Norman Lovett?!
Danny John-Jules, and Norman Lovett:
Yes, Norman was staying in the Hotel overnight, but as I got his signed
photograph, a few months back, and I know that he lives in Edinburgh, we
guessed that it was quite a long journey for him to make, especially as thejudging of the fancy dress competition, had finished
after 8.00p.m, and it would have probably have been the earlier hours of the
morning, by the time he'd got back, and as I have travelled with my husband to
Scotland, quite a few times, I know from experience, how tiring that journey
can be! And therefore, it was an excellent double act, that
Danny and Norman had together! "Norman's
at the back with his tape recorder and pen, writing stuff down for his act.
Normally I charge, but I'm letting him have some free time today, because he's
an old boy!". Danny was asked about the
possibility of Norman's
return to Red Dwarf - "Oh he's not coming back to act. He's coming back as
my dresser! Didn't you know? Was I supposed to tell them that, Norm? Nah, I'm
looking forward to being back by his side. His career's been dodgy over the
last few years without the lads to help him out, so we're looking forward to
setting him straight!". Danny went on to mention
his support, that he offered to Craig, during his time
on remand, and how well he responds to peoples requests for signed photographs,
etcetera. To be fair to Craig, I did ask - "I daresay he answers some of
his fan mail though?". Danny smiled to this, and
said - "Oh, I daresay he does, from time to time!".
The punchline I remember pretty well was - "I don't suppose anyone's asked
for Norman's
autograph?!". I did put my hand up to say, that I
had written to Norman,
via The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club, during the Summer,
and that I had asked him for a signed photograph, and that I had received a
signed photograph off Norman,
into the bargain! Somehow though, I never said that to Danny, because there
were quite a few people with their hands up for questions. But I've written to
him since, and told him about that! It was really quite funny to hear Danny
going on - "Alright Norm?", every so often.
Danny explained- "I've been in Wales, doing a play. It's well, it's in Wales. I go to the theatre, and I
thought I was on a farm. Still, I'm hoping to be doing a musical by the end of
the year. West End stuff. I'll be there, hob-nobbing
with Andrew and Trevor and the rest of the West End
gang. It's called Lonely Hearts, and I did a workshop for it at the Old Fire
Station in Oxford.
I get a bed scene. I cheat a bit, I keep my boxers on, but the top half is a
bit bare! Actually I had heard, since Dimension Jump 1995 about that particular
play, that Danny was going to show off all six of his
nipples! I haven't heard anything about that, since. One of my questions for
Danny was - "Do you prefer dancing to acting?".
Danny's reply to this, was - "Oh acting now, I haven't done a dancing job
for quite some time now. Acting pays better than dancing, so I don't really
miss it, all that much, and not only that, there are far more suitable acting
jobs, than there are dancing jobs!". Danny's
remarks, on the forthcoming series of Red Dwarf were: - "It's good to have
some of the old boys back", he smiled. "I'm getting all this good
news. Norm, Ed, Mel as well. Well, Mel never left us.
Look, he even brought some of the set with him!".
Eagerly the audience joined in with the new series gossip, and Danny hears from
someone in the crowd, that in the forthcoming series, the Cat will get his end
away at last. "He's going to get his end away, is he? Don't bank on it.
They've been saying that for seven years now. I'm starting to think I'm frigid!". Danny was also asked, on any future developments
with the Cat, and Danny admitted, that beyond this, there's very little. Cat's
already done a lot, he says, and he's happy to take him, wherever the writers
see fit, although he would like to see Cat's own quarters. "Yeah, I'd like
to see his house. The place where he hangs out. There
was an idea years ago, that they'd show his house, and it would be the foyer of
the Midlands Hotel, as his abode, that he built up, in the decks and decorated
himself. I think, Mel had a heart attack, when he
heard that, and knew that he was going to dress it. As for the Cat' s clothes? Would he like to see any more improvements,
where that is concerned? "I think he's gone as far as he can in that
respect. They're re-using stuff now. Remember the long black and white coat?
That was dyed yellow, so they could use it again. A lot of his clothes are
chopped and changed. There was a lime green suit, that
he wore in the Cat Priest episode. I like that, but no one else did. That
always happens, if they like it, I don't, and if I do, they don't. Just like a
Cat!". Somebody said - "Cat looks good in
anything". Danny responded quickly - "You haven't seen me in my Mum's
nighty! People think I'm a scruff compared to Cat,
when they meet me. Then they see Norman!". I decided to comment on the Cat's vanity, which is
certainly one of my favourite subjects - "So, the Cat, wouldn't think that
your wardrobe is good enough for him then?!".
Danny's reply to this was - "The Cat wouldn't even look at my wardrobe!". Danny explained, that he liked wearing the Cat's
clothes, when he's working on Red Dwarf, but the stiletto boots, which make him
appear taller, are very uncomfortable, and when he gets home, he likes to relax
and be comfortable. I went on to tell him, that when I've seen Craig, on other
things, like quiz shows, I hardly recognise him, because he's so smart! Danny
went on to say, that Craig does tend to be more comfortable in a suit, rather
than casual clothes, but he thinks that he's got style, where his wardrobe is
concerned, and that he doesn't resemble Lister, in that sense! While Norman was still there,
Danny thought back and said - "We used to play football in the rehearsal
rooms. It freaked Ed Bye out. He thought that we were going to break our legs,
or something. Craig diving, and doing headers. And
Norm, when he got a bit tired, would say - "Well, I have had a heart
attack". "Yeah, Norm. Dribble around fifteen
men, then remember the heart! You could tell that we
were getting serious, when the sweat, began to flow!".
Danny was also asked, if there was a possibility of the Cat singing again, in
the new series of Red Dwarf. He went on to explain, that he doesn't have much
of a say, where that is concerned. Not only that, he
wasn't very keen on the Cat, doing another song. You'd get used to it, and be
waiting for him to burst into song. That's why Tongue Tied is remembered. It
was a good one off. Everyone wants Tongue Tied, but the record company,
marketed it, all wrong. They're used to dealing with pop records, that last
just a few weeks in the charts, but people are still asking for Tongue Tied,
and you just can't get it. I'm waiting for the contract to run out, with
EMI". Actually, I have got the Tongue Tied CD, but you must be a member of
the Danny John-Jules Fan Club to obtain it. It's a remixed version of Tongue
Tied, and it's well worth joining the Fan Club, to
obtain it, even though Danny's Fan Club, has a lot more to offer, than the
Tongue Tied CD! Danny was also asked, how he felt over the Cat's development,
over each series, and was he sorry to see the Cat like qualities, dropped from
the character? Surprisingly, he wasn't overly bothered - "He's learning as
he goes along, like anyone would. He's learning human life. You are only like
you are, because of the people around you, and it's the same for the Cat. Some
people think that it is disappointing, but you have to change, or the character
would get stale. He was funnier before, though. Remember his first entrance, Norman? My first ever
entrance as the Cat. Everyone was laughing so much, and Norman was concentrating so much, on the
laughs, that he missed his line. We had to do the take again, because everyone, laughed so much". Danny let us into what
might be happening with the new series of Red Dwarf. For example, there was
talk of having the Daleks, from Dr Who, capturing the crew, but unfortunately
that never happened. However, I did give Danny an idea, of how the Cat might
react to the Daleks appearance. "Gold nuts against red, it just doesn't
go!". Danny thought that would have been about
right, where the Cat, was concerned! There had also been talkof
a new character being introduced to Red Dwarf, and someone from the audience,
suggested a female Cat, like there had been in Red Dwarf U.S.A, and Danny was
asked, what actress, he would like to play the female Cat, and he jokingly said
- "Divine Brown!", which brought a roar of laughter from the audience.
I suggested - "How about Debbie Allen, from Fame?", and his response
to that, was - "Good point!". I also asked
him, what he thought of having Deb Lister back, on a more permanent basis, and
did he like the character, at the time? He said that he did, and that she would
come back, if she was asked. I asked him, where Angela Bruce was from, and was
she Liverpudlian, like Craig? Danny stated that she wasn't from Liverpool, but he wasn't exactly sure, where she was
from, and that she might be from Newcastle.
Oddly, enough, I have found out, via a game of Trivial Pursuit, that the
correct term for the people of Newcastle,
is Novacastrian, and not Geordies, which I had always
been led to believe! I've written to her since then, and she was kind enough to
write back to me. Angela Bruce (Deb Lister), got on, by auditioning for -
"Hair". I vaguely remembered her in "The Press Gang".
Angela Bruce has had other parts on - "Prime Suspect", and "Watt
On Earth". She informed me, via her
correspondence, that she is from Durham,
not Newcastle,
and that she had also worked with Craig before, which made the part a lot
easier, at the time. And that she just mimicked his accent, which was quite
easy, really. She also stated in her correspondence, that there had been talk
of them doing another - Parallel Universe: Episode VI, Red Dwarf II type of
episode again, with Suzanne Bertish, but it never
came off, unfortunately. It would have been great fun, for them all to reprise
their roles again. I think that the episode, that they would have all done
together, would have been called - "Dad". Danny also said, that he
had worked with Matthew Devitt (the Dog), in a
production, only the other week! My husband told me, that Matthew Devitt, was on at a production at The Birmingham Repertory
Theatre, a few months back, and I have heard of him, myself, vaguely, over the
years. He's appeared in quite a few West End Musicals, and I did think that the
name, sounded familiar, when I first saw that particular episode. Danny was
asked, if he actually, liked cats, and he said, that he did, and not, only
that, he has also, got a Cat! Another question, I asked Danny was -
"Whatever happened to Maid Marian And Her Merry
Men? I was interested in that, because I had recorded some of them, just to see,
what they were like, and I was quite impressed by it, and I think, that Tony
Robinson, is a very good writer, and I'd often wondered, what had happened to
it, and I really loved the way, that Danny portrayed Barrington, the black
Rastafarian character in the series, which was an entirely different world
away, from the Cat! Danny said, that it had lost popularity, but there was talk
about a year ago, in the hushed corridors of the BBC, about bringing it back,
but nothing ever came of it, unfortunately, however. Danny was asked, about his
work prior to Red Dwarf, and even though he'd got plenty of work, via his
music, he looked back on the days, when he had worked in warehouses with his
friends, when you were glad of any old job, because of the recession, etcetera,
and I asked him - "So, you have done the W-word, which the Cat, doesn't
even want to know, the true meaning of!", and Danny said, that he
certainly had done, the W-word! Danny was also asked, about the voice over,
which he had done, for the mint with the hole advert,
which I vaguely remembered at the time. And that said, I vaguely do recall,
that the voice over, for the mint with the hole advert, sounded like the Cat on
Red Dwarf, but as I didn't see Red Dwarf, when it was at its peak, in the 1990's,
I had never associated the mint with the hole advert, with Danny, until
Dimension Jump 1995! He had been asked to do it in his ordinary voice, but they
said, that it wasn't coming across very well, and then they asked him, if he
could do it, in an American accent, which he did, and then they asked him,
would he mind doing that American accent, in a higher pitched voice, which he
did, and then they asked him again, could he do it a little bit higher, and so
on, until it eventually ended up, sounding like the Cat?! Danny had said that
they couldn't ask him directly, if he would do it, in the Cat's accent, because
they were worried about copyright reasons, but at the end of the day, that
didn't prove to be a problem, and the mint with the hole advert, was hailed, as
quite a success! Danny was asked about the Cat's teeth, and were
they uncomfortable? He said that they were, and before they filmed Red Dwarf,
he would practise wearing them, at home, by going over his lines, so that he
would be able to get used to the feel of them again. Now, it wouldn't have been
a Red Dwarf convention, if he hadn't been asked about Duane Dibbley!
How did he get the accent, that he did for that, and
why was it so different, from the Cat's accent? Danny explained, that the accent
was created, because of the awful keyboard teeth, that he had had to wear at
the time, which were even more uncomfortable, than his fang teeth, and he
really had to practise at home, wearing those teeth! He insisted that the
accent really was the Cat's! It just came across differently, because of those
teeth! After all, Danny said - "Duane Dibbley,
is the Cat,when you think
about it!". And with that, Danny's session was concluded, much to the
relief of Norman, and most certainly, M.J. Fouldes,
of whom Danny made a point of saying - "Norm, check out this geezer. Write
him down in the book. We want to know, everywhere he
goes, after the show. If you see him following you.
Call the Police! He's got that look in his eye. Well, the one good one!". Charming eh? So, it was on to Hattie Hayridge...
Hattie Hayridge:
Hattie started, by telling us all, about her first Rehearsal, on the Dwarf:- "My first day started in London at 10.00a.m, on a
Saturday morning, immediately after the last night, of the Edinburgh Festival.
The producers had arranged for me to catch a plane at 7.00a.m, to get me to London, where a car would
whisk me straight to the studio for 10.000a.m.
"Well Saturday night (the night before!) was
Party Night, in Edinburgh, but because it was such a big day for me, the next
day, I decided I'd only stay for an hour. When I got back to my Flat, I
realised, I hadn't taken my keys, so I went back to the Party, to find, the
Person I was sharing with. Unfortunately, they had gone off, with someone else,
so I went back to the Flat, then back to the Party, all night. When the Taxi,
came in the morning, to pick me up, I was sat, on the front steps, of the Flat,
still waiting. So I arrived, at the Rehearsals, seeing everyone else, in Jeans,
'T' Shirts, and Trainers, and they, saw me, in a Blue Frilly Nineteen Fifties
Cocktail Dress! I told them, it was a new Dress Code, for Rehearsals, and I was
wondering, if these People, were thinking - "Hasn't she been to a
Rehearsal before?!". Hattie was asked about her
work with Jo Brand. "Well Jo phoned me up, and left a message on my answer
machine: "This may seem like a strange request, but do you want to spend
the night in a Mental Home, with me...? It's a deserted one... it shouldn't be
that bad!". Originally the BBC had wanted Jo to
do a stand up routine in front of Mental Patients, but she said, that she
didn't think, that would be a good idea, which just shows how sensitive, the
BBC, can be at times! We were a bit apprehensive, when we got there, what if it
was haunted? Which is one of the reasons, we took a camera crew there - If
anything happens, they'll get the camera crew first! They took plenty of
provisions, pork pies and lemonade - Midnight Tuck! It was very scary, the most scary thing though, was the Security Guards,
wondering around all night. So, the subject was quickly changed, and Hattie was
asked if she was being invited back, to Red Dwarf VII - "I don't know, if
I am yet. You probably know more than me. I've heard every possible
combination. They're doing it with two Hollies, they're doing it with none,
they're having one Holly, and it's Norman, they're having one Holly, and it's
me, and they're having one Holly, and it's someone totally different,
altogether! She was asked - "What was it like to get that part in the
first place? To follow in Norman's
footsteps?". "Well, at first I thought, I'd
get death threats from all of Norman's Fans! I think it's easier, to write
banter for a bloke, than for a woman. They called Norman, a senile bald old git. As the
character, obviously! They didn't know how to do that, for a woman, without
being horrible or nasty. I was happy to play the part. Thrilled,
when they asked me to do it". And when they dropped the role, for
Series VI? "Well, what's the opposite of thrilled? Totally,
unthrilled. It wasn't a shock, to get less and
less lines, but in the end, Rob and Doug, asked me to come in for a chat. I'd
seen interviews, they'd done, where they said, they really had to sort out the
role of Holly, so in I went - "Ooh, Hello, hello!", and they went -
"Actually, we've got some bad news for you". And I went - "Oh,
you're going to sack me?", and they went, "Well, yes". I went -
"Ohhh, all right. Okay. (blub)".
And there I was, holding a cup of coffee, going weurghhh,
and trying to keep control of my hand. They went through about three million
reasons, about why it was. "You hate me, don't you?".
"No, of course, we don't hate you". "In the end though, they had
to sort out the role of Holly, and that was the way, they chose to do it".
Obviously having plenty of time to recover, Hattie had admitted,
that she would be happy to return to the Show, but doesn't mind, if she isn't
asked back. And so, it had been, my turn, to ask, Hattie, a question, at Long
Last - "Where was it, you had done, your Acting Classes?".
And Hattie, had quite, cheerfully, piped up, to that, and she, had said -
"Oh, is that, a Wolverhampton accent, I hear?! That was one of the places, I went on, my Tour, with Lee Evans". I had
remembered, that Tour, which had taken, place, at The Civic Hall, in
Wolverhampton, West Midlands. I am afraid, that I had not, gone, to see her, at
the time. But that said, however, Hattie, had kindly, informed me, in reply, to
my Letter, which had, come complete, with a Signed Photograph, that she, had
supported: Lee Evans, on Tour. "We've done about ninety places, now, we're really scraping the barrel now, going to places
like Swindon, and Lowestoft". In answer, to my question, Hattie's reply, had been - "Yes, thank you, for asking, about my
Acting Classes. I took them on, when I was still working in my job as a
Secretary, which I hated, and my boss, laughed, when I told him that I was
leaving my job, and I had my car all packed up ready for my act, and that's how
I entered the Comedy Circuit". With regard, to her Support Act, with Lee
Evans, Hattie went on - "He's notoriously unpunctual. He had a gig in Southport, and because he lives in Southend, and as they
both start in "South", he had an idea, it
was quite near. We had to be there at 7.00p.m, and at 6.30p.m, he got in the
car, and pulled out a map, and goes - "Oh shit!".
He drives up there, as fast as he can, and we get there, about 10.30p.m, after
everyone, has gone home!". I asked, Hattie, what
she thought about Red Dwarf U.S.A, and surprisingly, she had never seen it!
And, I had also, asked, Hattie, about the actress: Jane Leeves,
who had played, her part, very well, indeed! And, more so, because she was,
English! But Hattie stated that she hadn't expected to hear a lot of praise,
about Red Dwarf U.S.A, anyhow! The next question, that I had, to ask, Hattie,
was - "Do you like Computers?". And her
response to that was - "No!". She explained,
that she didn't mind them really, but she didn't have one herself, and she
didn't want the world to rely on them, to the point, where they would take
things over, which could very well be a possibility, one of these days! I also
asked Hattie, out of interest, that if she were to be asked back on Red Dwarf
again - Would she be prepared to play another role, like Mellie,
if called upon, and did she like playing her? "Yes, I liked playing her,
and I would certainly play a very similar role, if called upon". And, with
that, Hattie's bit, had been, concluded, and the very Last Person, at the Red
Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, to put in, an appearance, had been:
Jane Killick:
And now, it was time, for the former: The Red Dwarf Smegazine
Writer (which isn't available in the shops anymore, unfortunately. I have, been
trying, to get copies, of the former: The Red Dwarf Smegazine,
for myself, and they are very hard to come by!): Jane Killick!
Since then, Jane has gone on to write articles for the Science Fiction
Magazine: Starburst, and she, had, also co-written, the: Judge Dredd book, of the Film: Judge Dredd,
which I had heard, had also used the Red Dwarf Cargo set, which is really
Sunbury Pumping Station. Her talk, had also, included
a Slide Show, which had consisted, of unseen shots, from: Red Dwarf VI, when
she had had, the opportunity, to spend, a few days, on the Set, with the Red
Dwarf Cast. Jane had informed, us all, that she, had started off, as a
Freelance Journalist, and somehow, she had ended up, writing, for the former:
The Red Dwarf Smegazine, but she, had been, desparate, to get interviews, from the Red Dwarf Cast,
which she could use, to promote, the former: The Red Dwarf Smegazine,
but she had, to get, to the Red Dwarf Cast, first! So, she had informed, us
all, that she had, contacted: Grant Naylor Productions, via telephone, because
she had, been fully aware, that: Red Dwarf VI, was in Production, and she, had
needed, to know, where the Locations, were! So, she had, to inform, Grant
Naylor Productions, that she, was working, for a very, well-known: Red Dwarf
Magazine, and they, had believed her! And, she had, informed, us all, that Grant Naylor Productions, had given out, the
details, for the Location, for: Gunmen Of The Apocalypse: Episode III, Red
Dwarf VI. "So, I set off in my car, to the Location, and as I couldn't
find a way, on to the Location, I just parked outside, so I decided to take a
walk, and see if I could find a way in, and then I noticed some railings, and I
had seen, the Red Dwarf Cast! Suddenly, I was spotted by Craig, whose response
was - "Ey! What are you doing 'ere, eh?". I had answered, to that - "Oh Hello. My name, is Jane Killick, and I'm a
Freelance Journalist, working for, the former: The Red Dwarf Smegazine. I was wondering, if you would be, prepared to
do, some interviews, for the Red Dwarf Smegazine?". Once Craig, had realised, I wasn't, from the Press,
or a Red Dwarf Fan, he had smiled, and he, had said - "Oh right, come on
in!", and she, had got, some very good, interviews, from all, of them!
Jane went on to show us her slides, and they were very impressive indeed. She
had a good reason, to show us, a slide, of: Legion, from: Legion: Episode II,
Red Dwarf VI, and that the actor/playright/writer,
Nigel Williams, had had an even worse time in his costume (which looked like
one of the very first diving suits, in my opinion!) than Robert Llewellyn, and
that, he could not, go to the toilet, at all! It was very fortunate, where his
contribution was concerned, that he only filmed with the cast of Red Dwarf, for
just one day! I had heard, of Nigel Williams, writing over the years, and I had
been, quite pleasantly surprised, to hear, an interview, with Maggie Steed,
which was on: BBC Radio Two, last year (Dr Hildegarde
Lanstrom, in: Quarantine: Episode IV, Red Dwarf V,
whom I had, also seen, on: Shine On Harvey Moon. I did not, see her, in the
very last series, they did, of: Shine On Harvey Moon.
I saw her in the earlier ones - 1982/1984), and that she had recently been in a
play in the West End written by Nigel, and she stated that he always came to
rehearsals, for the first few weeks, and she went on to say, how immensely
supportive, he was! Jane's other slides consisted of Craig and Danny, swapping
their hats, and sunglasses, which made them look, as if they were all, having a
very good time (they were wearing their ordinary clothes, as it was only a
rehearsal for: Out Of Time: Episode VI, Red Dwarf VI). Jane also went on to
explain, that as they had to have an urgent last minute re-write, for that
episode, Craig was determined to learn the lines, and not have to rely on the
autocue. He didn't have to, but he wanted to, which was very admirable of him
(I'm not sure, that even I could do that!), and he took a day off for it, so
that he could prepare, for it. To look at that Episode, one wouldn't think that
he learned those lines, at the last minute, it looked to my mind, as if he had
absorbed those lines, for at least three months, which goes to prove, once and
for all, that he is indeed, very disciplined!
So, now, it was time for the final autograph session. As Jane signed our
books, she noticed our Edition of: The Red Dwarf Programme Guide,
and she informed us, that there was an updated version, now available in the
shops, which I bought last year. I got to know Hattie and Danny very well, and
I duly thanked them, for their signed photographs. Hattie asked how my driving
lessons were going, and I told her, I'd applied for my provisional licence.
This time, Paul had his photograph taken with her, and instead of saying
cheese, they said - "Awooga, Awooga!". I had my photograph taken with Danny, and I told
Danny, that Rusty, my Mothers Irish Red Setter, had died, a few weeks back, of
old age (he was thirteen when he died). Danny had asked me to send him a
photograph, of Rusty, when I mentioned - "The Dog", in the very first
letter, that I had written to him, and his similarities, in - Parellel Universe: Episode VI, Red Dwarf II, and he said he
was sorry to hear it, and he mentioned, that he had seen a programme, the other
night, and that, he had seen, an Irish Red Setter, on it, and he had said -
"They're lovely animals, those dogs!", which really made my day,
especially as I would have thought, that was the last thing, that the Cat,
would have said, when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day! I
also mentioned to Danny and Hattie, that Craig had made fun of me, via my
explaining to him about my my going to Drama School,
and they both said - "When Craig hits on something, he won't let it go!". The last Red Dwarf person I spoke to,
was Mel Bibby, who had designed the interior of Starbug.
I had said Hallo to him, earlier on in the day, in the lift, because I had seen
his name badge. I had heard of him, as an interior set designer over the years,
and he'd also been involved with - "The Two Ronnies". I told him, I
had done some set painting, when I had done Amateur Dramatics. I asked him how
he had felt about the interior design of Blue Midget, which I had thought,
seemed rather ahead of it's time, anyhow! But he
stated, that he hadn't been involved with the earlier series of Red Dwarf, but he
did think, that the interior design set of Blue Midget, was rather basic,
compared to the familiar design, of the interior set of Starbug,
which everyone is accustomed to! I told him that I thought, that amateurs
tended to waste money, where their sets, were concerned, and he said - "We
go to B and Q, for a lot of our stuff!". The
secret I've found with professionals is, where their
budget is concerned, they must make their cheap materials look expensive, and
that is the beauty of Red Dwarf, as the presentation of their sets, comes
across, as very high budget, indeed! I was quite surprised to discover, that
when, I had read: The Official Red Dwarf Companion, that the ceilings, and
floor, have also been made of fish tank lids, which certainly came as quite a
surprise to me, and there's quite a lot you can do with pallets and timbers, as
well. As Red Dwarf is not like your average sitcom, it seems that almost
anything goes, where the sets are concerned! My husband jokingly said to Mel,
that he wasn't sure that he was a man, but Hattie said - "You probably
feel that there are days, when you are a girl, don't you Mel?", and his
answer to this was: - "Well, there are times, that I do feel like a girl,
yes!".
So, after we had finished, we decided to explore the reproduction of the
interior of the Starbug set, where the green Scanner
table is situated. Unfortunately however, it was roped off, but I managed, to
touch, the Furry Dice, which were hanging up, from one of the shelves, and I
also dared to touch the green Scanner table, that was used
during Red Dwarf VI, and there were some notes from - Rimmerworld: Episode V, Red Dwarf VI, which we also took a
photograph of. But that didn't come out very well, but Paul also took a
photograph of me, along the side of the set of Starbug,
and that turned out very well, indeed! And you would think,
that I was almost on the set, if you ignored the rope, at the side!
And, for us, it looked like, the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention,
was over, at long last, but before, we left, we had, our very last meal, at the
Open Plan Restaurant, and we, had been, fortunate enough, to see Danny, come
into, the Open Plan Restaurant, and he, had sat down, and chatted, with two
girls, who he, had met, at the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, and
he, had headed off, in the direction, of the Gymnasium, and we, had also, been
fortunate enough, to see Hattie, at the Reception Desk, before we had left, The Ramada Hotel, Gatwick, Crawley,
West Sussex.
We didn't stay behind, for the Auction, but from, what information, I had
gathered, afterwards, these few items, had gone, for: £350, for Kryten's Make-up. £3.00, for a Reggie
Dixon LP. £2.00, for Joe Dolce's - Shaddup A Ya
Face, which Hattie, had bought! (If I had stayed behind, at the Red Dwarf
Dimension Jump 1995 Convention, I would have bought, that record, in question,
as I had really, liked that song, at the time!) The only thing, that we hadn’t
liked, about our Weekend, was being stuck, on the notorious M25, but we did
not, let it spoil, our Weekend, at the time! And, I would gladly go, to
another: Red Dwarf Dimension Jump Convention, again, if the opportunity,
ever comes, along again, for us, that is!
As a matter of fact, the opportunity, to attend, another Red Dwarf Dimension
Jump Convention, has come along, since then! And, my husband: Paul, and I, are
going, to the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1997 Convention, at The Hanover
International Hotel and Club, Daventry, Northampton, Northamptonshire, during
October 1997, and we are, looking forward, to it! And therefore, I sincerely
hope, that any, Red Dwarf Fans, out there, will happen, to like, my in-depth
Review, of the Red Dwarf Dimension Jump 1995 Convention! And, I sincerely hope,
that it will encourage, any Red Dwarf Fans, out there, to attend, a Red Dwarf
Dimension Jump Convention, in the near future!
The End
Marie Birch
April 1997