THE NEW ALTERNATIVE RED DWARF
BY MARIE BIRCH
Death had stated:
"Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come
with me". Death helped Rimmer to his feet, and
he said - "We will travel to the River Styx where you will place a coin in
the mou..." Rimmer
merely stated - "Not today matey"and he kneed him in a very tender place, and Death, had doubled
over. "Remember, only the good die young"said
Rimmer who legged it. "That's never happened
before..." Death finished and fell into a crumpled heap on to the floor.
THE END
THE SMEG IT IS
This was Rimmer's first thought as he traversed the corridors of the
disintegrating Dwarf. Rimmer's second thought was -
"I've heard of the expression of looking Death in the face and beating it,
but has anyone ever heard of the expression of looking Death in the testicles
and beating it?! Rimmer's third thought was: "I
may have beaten Death, but I haven't exactly escaped it yet. But if I can get
to the Hologram Simulation Suite, perhaps I and explore some various options
and I have a feeling that Holly might still be around,
and hopefully I can get him to seal the doors to stop Death from coming in. I
know that I cannot get to the parallel Universe, via the mirror again, but
there may be a way round of getting to it, via the Hologram Simulation Suite. I
honestly feel that may be my only option, when it actually comes down to it, at
the end of the day!
Fortunately however, Rimmer was only a couple of hundred yeards
away from the Hologram Simulation Suite, and it was with great relief that he
saw Holly's worried face on the mainframe monitor, but this was the elongated
Holly's face, because Rimmer could tell the
difference immediately by seeing the very big bald extended head all in an
elongated position. Rimmer thought it best to be
cautious just in case it was Death in disguise and stated: "Holly is that
really you?" "You needn't worry Arnold, I am
not Death in disguise. I am now sealing the door behind you, you will be safe
for the time being, but please bear in mind, you are a
human, not a hologram. The hologram copy of you is perfectly safe on disc, but
the Hologram Simulation Suite is very limited where the protection on human
beings is concerned". "How did you know, you smart alec gimboid
of a computer, that I thought that you might be Death in disguise?" "Oh just intuition. Please bear in mind, that I am not
the other Holly that you became acquainted with in the prison cell, and that
the nanobots resurrected me in my original format,
before the supposed nuclear accident, which buggered the other Dwarfers about for three million and four hundred
years" "Yes, yes, yes, yes! Please don't get too technical on me!
Alright, alright, I think that I am totally convinced that you are not Death in
disguise, but Holly I did think it best to come here, and even though I am not
the Rimmer that Listy knew,
he did give me some details about the Hologram Simulation Suite, and all of it's technical gadgets, while we were in the prison colony,
but what I need to know is, can you get me the hell out of here, and find a
solution to stop the ship from disintegrating and get the formula to work out a
solution, and more importantly than that, can you work out a way to get me the smeg back to the parallel universe, before Death finds a
way of working out his revenge on me, and worse even than that, I do want to
avoid making a new home, via the eternal fires of hell!" Holly looked very
doubtful via Rimmer's comment and he said - "No
Arnold, I can't..." Rimmer had suddenly gone
very pale and he was suddenly looking very desparate
for something to hold on to, but he managed to splutter - "what?! But, but
I was hoping that you..." "Please don't panic Arnold! I hadn't
finished what I was about to say! No, I can't get rid of Death, but the ship
has finally stopped disintegrating, because the formula you acquired from the
parallel universe has finally done it's
job, but I can get you back to the parallel universe, where you won't be under
the influence of death anymore. Can you show me your hands please? Rimmer didn't see the point of all this, but he decided to
show Holly his hands, just to humour him. Suddenly
Holly was smiling and he said - Ah, just as I thought, your hands have got
black marks on, which is the ink from the formula! Good, that's exactly what I
need! Can you place your hands on to the holographic scanner table please, and
then I can key in the data, which is necessary to take you back to the parallel
universe!" "You're a genius Holly, how can I ever thank you?!"
It was then, that Rimmer heard the sound of something
sharp chipping away at the door. Rimmer suddenly felt
himself go cold all over. The sharp chipping at the door seemed to uncannily
remind him of the very mixed up man in that particular film from the twentieth
century, striking a very nasty looking axe against the door to get at his
family, and the line where he had stated: "Daddy's coming!" had made Rimmer pass out in his seat at the time. Rimmer knew full well, that Death was coming for him, well
and truly this time, and even Holly had suddenly become very pale, and it was
not the sound of an axe, that was striking the
Hologram Simulation Suite door. It was the sound of Death's scythe! And Rimmer thought that he would pass out, when he heard
Death's voice: "Fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood
of two testicles been swiped off an Arnold Rimmer
with this scythe! Death has always sworn to others, what has been done to him!
Think back to the Sodomites, Rimmer, think of the
Sodomites!" Rimmer was completely frozen to the
spot, and Holly shouted out with all of his might, and he said: "Rimmer, get the smeg to the
scanner table!" Rimmer suddenly leapt up like a
whippet with a bum full of dynamite and he raced to the scanner table and he
put his hands flat on to the table while Holly sorted out the necessary
co-ordinates to get him the smeg out of there and
back to the parallel universe. Fortunately, this did not take him very long,
because with one flash, Rimmer was no longer in the
Hologram Simulation Suite on Red Dwarf.
Rimmer was surprised to find himself standing fully erect in Starbug's
Medi-bay and he was also equally amazed to see a
worried Cat and Kryten standing next to him. But he
was also amazed to discover Dave Lister on the Medi-bay
bed, and he was looking very pale indeed, but what also struck Rimmer as very odd, that Kochanski
was no longer there, and it suddenly occurred to him that Holly had flamingoed up all over again, because this was not the
parallel universe where the others had got to, it couldn't be, because why were
they all on Starbug again? This did not seem right,
and what was more, he realised that he wasn't wearing
his smart white uniform and instead Rimmer realised that he was wearing a blue thermal top along with
his matching trousers, and therefore, he knew that there was something not
quite right about all of this. However, Rimmer wasn't
too worried, at least he was no longer in Death's
grip, that was the main thing! He was alive and well, that was all that he had got to worry about! Kryten
was looking very worried and he stated: "Are you quite alright Maam?" "Maam?!"
Rimmer exclaimed. "What the smeg
are you drivelling on about, Bog Bot
from hell?" Kryten seemed to be a little bit
taken aback, but he merely stated: "Aah I think
that the game is nearly over now, sir" "I think that the fever has
finally broken" exclaimed the Cat. "It's about time that the monkey
got better, because it is nearly time for my nap". Lister was groaning and
for once, Rimmer seemed almost worried and he decided
to go over to Lister, but he could not understand for the life of him, why he
felt that he had to do this, but it was almost as if his legs had taken on a
life of their own, and he was relieved when Lister's eyes opened and Rimmer found himself asking the question: "Dave are
you alright? We were getting very worried". But Lister merely smiled and
said - "I'm alright darling, how about you?" and without any further
ado, Lister took Rimmer in his arms and gave him a
passionate kiss!
So, what is going on? Why
hasn't Rimmer been transported back to the parallel
universe? And why are they all back on Starbug? And why on Earth, is Lister giving Rimmer a passionate snog?!
Find out, what is
happening, in the next, exciting instalment, of:
The New Alternative Red Dwarf!
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UPDATED: 18TH MARCH 2001
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