CAPTAIN BUTLER SCRIPTS
DEATH IS JUST ANOTHER WORD
BY JOHN SMITH
Captain Butler Theme:
Scene 1
Ext. On Deck.
The Deck of the Ship is very
old, but it looks a well maintained ship, and on this deck, are Four rough
looking pirates, There is the Bosun, who is a very
wise, but evil looking man, their is Cliff, who is a
black looking hard pirate, whom nobody would dare to cross, there is Adeel, the Indian Chef, who looks like a crazy madman,
which he is, and then there is the man himself, Captain Butler, who looks
brave, and dashingly handsome, and even though his pirate clothes, look as if
they have seen better days, they make him look, exactly like the pirate that he
well and truly is, whom nobody would ever dare to cross, for just one second.
He is entertaining his pirate friends obviously, with shocking tales of his
dangerous and exciting adventures. He sounds accentless,
and he is obviously from an educated background, because he sounds as if he
doesn't come from anywhere. During this speech he climbs on to a barrel, and
waves his long evil looking sword about.
ADEEL: It's like he had you
trapped Captain!
In
agreement.
THE CREW: Hear, hear
Captain!
THE CREW: Hear, hear,
Captain!
BOSUN: Nice one Captain!
CLIFF: Most disconcerting
Captain!
BOSUN: Yes Captain?
THE CREW: Yes, Captain,
yes?
THE CREW: Yes Captain?
BOSUN: (rather impatient
now) Captain, we've been at sea now for six months..
BOSUN: We ain't done no pirating yet!
THE CREW: Ah, Ah.
ADEEL: Blackbeard does.
THE CREW: Ah.
CLIFF: He knocked off sixty
ships last year, Captain.
ADEEL: He's the richest man
in
BOSUN: Oh yes it is!
BOSUN: Twas
your idea to mutiny in the first place, Captain!
ADEEL: At least I was happy
in the navy, at least we knew where we were then.
THE CREW: Ah.
BOSUN: Aye,
that be true, sir.
CLIFF: Captain, that ship
only went down because Blackbeard sunk it!
BUTLER: Mmm,
alright, alright I'm just saying lifes' not so bad,
just because we don't go round sinking ships all day, just to prove that we're
good at being pirates, now do we?
CLIFF: (resignedly) I
suppose not.
Suddenly, you can hear
someone shouting:
V/O: Captain Butler!
Captain Butler!
CLIFF looks overboard.
CLIFF: Captain, it's a
small boy in a rowing boat.
The small boy in the rowing
boat, comes on board. He is a small boy, with blond
curly hair, and from his well-turned out attire, you can tell that the the small boy, is obviously a gentleman, and not only that,
you can tell just by looking at him, that he is very naive.
SMALL BOY: Hello there chaps, the names Roger. Lord Roger of Crumsby...
LORD ROGER naively
holds out his hand, for the motley crew to shake. They seem rather disturbed by
his appearance, and they all gather round, away from him of course, and they
decide what should be done with him.
BOSUN: Let's kill him!
LORD ROGER: Lovely day
for sea faring eh, fellows? Now which one of you chaps is Captain Butler?
They all point the finger
at
LORD ROGER comes over and
shakes
LORD ROGER: It's a
pleasure to meet you sir, I've heard an awful lot about you and your salty
sea men.
LORD ROGER: Daring
Buccaneers, bravely sailing the seven seas and fighting the good fight!
LORD ROGER: I would like to
join your crew, if I may sir.
CLIFF: Read charts?
ADEEL: Take the helm?
BOSUN: Paddle?
LORD ROGER: I'm alright
with the basics sir.
LORD ROGER: It's stilton
sir. Port from your stilton!
LORD ROGER: Oh please take
me on board sir! I'll give everything I have to offer, time, dedication,
time...
The rest of the Crew
surround LORD ROGER, with their cutlasses, and little knives, which look
very fearsome, and LORD ROGER, looks rather frightened all of a sudden.
LORD ROGER: (holding up a
big bag of money) And these hundred gold sovereigns
from my trust fund!
LORD ROGER: Yes!
Scene 2. Int - The Mess Hall.
They are all seated. ADEEL
is playing an Indian type of Guitar (possibly, a Sitar) He is a bit off key,
with his playing, and the CREW look a bit peeved.
ADEEL: Sorry Captain. It
was a bit sterotypical, wasn't it? (he starts asking the Crew, what they would like for lunch) Poppadom?
Poppadom?
Poppadom?
CLIFF: The Chef looks
worried.
BOSUN: The Chef looks
worried.
ROGER: Could you tell me a
bit more about the prawn cocktail plaisi? Is it dry,
or does it come with a sauce?
ROGER: Sir, what do we plan
to do after this, sir?
ROGER: I was talking about
doing some Piracy, sir!
ROGER: It's just that my
Father is a name at Lloyds of London, and before I left home, he told me all
about this Spanish special boat...
BOSUN: (Looking rather
greedy for adventure) Special Spanish boat?
ROGER: Yes, it's heading
due west, about three days sail from here, with a
cargo of South American Slaves.
CLIFF: (Suddenly looking
very serious indeed) South American Slaves!
The rest of the Crew
suddenly look interested.
ROGER: Yes, and absolutely
laden with Inca Gold!
ROGER: (Pointing to a
location on the map, on the table) By my calculations,
we should be able to intercept them right here sir.
CLIFF: (Suddenly becoming
very upright, serious and very expert on this touching subject) You know my opinion well, Captain. I'm no stranger to
Slavery. I was taken from Africa and transported in the hold of a mighty
Spanish Galleon, that held the many Slaves, captured
along the West Indies. For months I lived in total darkness, with nothing,
nothing to eat, but sawdust and strips of cloth...
ROGER: But Captain, I...
CLIFF: I survived, when
many others didn't, and I vowed, that one day, that I
would pay that debt!
ADEEL: Indeed they do sir, the bottle of Riocca is a
very reasonably priced red, with a full body and a lovely voice!
ROGER: Nothing,
that we couldn't cope with, sir.
ROGER: Fifty cannons, two
hundred crack clips, and enough ammunition, to blow the entire British fleet
out of the water! It'll be a sinch!
BOSUN: Take them to the
broadside and shiver their timbers!
CLIFF: (Very heated now)
With the many months, that I've studied these Spanish invaders, and they have
stripped the South Americans of their wealth, pride and culture, they have
raped their wives, murdered their children and taken their riches, as booty!
ROGER: (Suddenly full of
naive enthusiasm) Let's teach those Spaniards a
lesson!
CLIFF: Let's give them a
fight for freedom and justice!
BOSUN: Let's kick 'em in the gonads!
CLIFF: Get rid of them
their honour!
THE CREW: No!
Scene 3
Int. Butlers' Cabin.
Scene 4
Ext. On Deck. Morning.
The Lads are all doing
their chores on deck.
ROGER: Hello there sir.
ROGER: I've just been
talking to the Bosun, sir. He suggested I
change my name.
ROGER: Make me sound more Piraty, I think. Lord Roger of Crumsby
sounds a bit, snotty, sir.
ROGER: What, to Roger?
ROGER: I was hoping for
something like, Redbeard, sir!
ROGER: How about Bigbeard, then Sir? I bet that's still free.
ROGER: (looking rather
despondent) Oh you've got to have beard in it Sir! There's hardly any
point, otherwise!
ROGER: (his face suddenly
lights up) That's the kind of thing, sir! No
Beard!
ROGER: Thank you very much
sir!
BOSUN: We're cutting off a
bit slow, Cap'ain. We're losing time!
BOSUN: It is all the excess
baggage we're carrying. Perhaps we should throw young Roger overboard.
BOSUN: What about them
lifeboats then? (Suddenly pointing to a row of Lifeboats, strung along the
deck) They're slowing us down.
Scene 5. Ext. Deck. Early Evening.
CLIFF: (On the watch) Who goes there? Halt!
CLIFF: Captain.
CLIFF: Hmm, we're running
well on time, Sir.
CLIFF: We seem to have
picked up speed since the Bosun cut away the
Lifeboats.
CLIFF: We'll be there in a
day and a half, now Sir.
CLIFF: Hmm. No finer
sight at sea.
CLIFF: Certainly is,
Captain.
CLIFF: Death, Captain? No. Death
is just another word to me, like marmoset.
CLIFF: Leg severage Captain?
CLIFF: Back shrapnel
Captain?
CLIFF: Genital hacking,
Captain? No, I can't say it's ever occurred to me Sir.
CLIFF: But of course I do
think about pain.
CLIFF: Oh yes. Aboard that Spanish Galleon. The Slaves who would climb down
into the hold where we lay, bound and gagged, weak, hungry and they would stand
before us, eating huge freshly roasted chunks of lamb with mint and minty
sauce. Did I ever tell you about that time Captain? Captain?
CLIFF looks around for
Scene 6
Int. Butlers' Cabin.
BUTLER: Aah,
dear old Tranmere my home town, Barn dance every
Friday night, hand puppets looking all ridiculous in The Hedge and Walnut,
cricket on the village green, boring little place really! I shouldn't mind
being back there now.
Scene 7
Ext. Daytime.
Deck of a
Spanish Galleon ship from a distance, as surveryed
through the lens of a telescope. Two men are observed on the main deck. The
Captain of the ship is dressed very expensively in a gold broacaded
outfit. His second Officer is called BUNGO, who is dressed in a very flamboyant
military costume, complete, with a very severe looking metal helmet. He looks
like a Spanish version of a Cavalier, but we are soon quick enough to
understand that he cannot speak, because his tongue,
has been ripped out. The CAPTAIN: DON GONZALES, is
speaking in Spanish to BUNGO. Via the services of an interpreter, the Spanish
is translated into English, which seems to be interpreted like Cricket
commentary!
BUNGO: Whooaah!
Woaah! Woaah!
CAPTAIN DON GONZALES: Que pasa Bungo?
{What is it Bungo?}
BUNGO: Woallah!
Woallah! Woallah {A ship.}
CAPTAIN DON GONZALES: Ahh es en hombre' en draque equipaje'! {It's a man in
a fancy dress costume.}
BUNGO: Noooooomooooocombobahhhhhhhh!
{No Captain, it's a top Spanish Admiral.}
CAPTAIN: Ah, es uno mi on tes
Espanol, no? {No, it's a top Spanish Admiral, is it?}y et por que
en un barco' quetendu estar porfavore? {Well, why has
he got such a poxy ship then?}
BUNGO: Woooh,
whoooh? {What do you think I am? Some kind of know it
all?}
Scene 8
Ext. Deck of Butlers' Ship. Daytime.
BUTLER and the crew all get
down, but BUTLER insists on surveying the Spanish Galleon, via the telescope,
which the viewer also looks through, but the colours
seem to go from pink, to purple and to green, etcetera, and they seem to be
making very pretty patterns, indeed, just like a kaledioscope.
BOSUN: Mighty fine ship
Captain.
BOSUN: She's got enough
fire power to blow us out of the water!
BOSUN: If they knew that we
were pirates, we wouldn't last a second!
BOSUN: Ohhhhhhhh!
We's sink to the bottom like
a stone! Glug Glug Glug!
BOSUN: We'd be fighting
each other like drunken rats!
ROGER: Oui
Oui, sir! Line 59
Scene 9
Ext. Deck of Spanish Galleon.
CAPTAIN: Welcome aboard my
ship, Admiral! Line 57
CAPTAIN: (Suddenly backing
away from him!) Actually, I’m not too keen on kissing! Line 55
CAPTAIN: (Suddenly backing
away, in sheer panic!) No, not on the lips! No tongue! Line 53
BUTLER: No, it’s good for
me. Amigo, Amigo. I’ve bought you some special gifts
from Spain. Yes? A Crying Woman and, and some kind of Donkey! Line 52
Butler holds up the famous
portrait of A Crying Woman and a rather crudely constructed Straw Donkey, which
is very close, to the Straw Donkey’s, which are sold in Majorca.
CAPTAIN: Thank you very
much. That’s very kind. Deal with this Bungo. Line 51
A man, who has a beard, and
is of a rather big build, suddenly appears.
CAPTAIN: To what do we owe
the pleasure of your distinguished company, Admiral? Line 50
BUTLER: Eeh,
the dead English pigs. They run away and sink a my
ship. I am left to drown like dog! Not for me, I swim like eel and am fished
out of the sea, like Gudgeon! These English pigs! They make me spit! P-p-p!
{Butler spits, in a very crude and disgusting manner!} Line 49
CAPTAIN: Yes. I hear that
they are very ruthless people. Bungo here had his
tongue cut out by English Pirates. He doesn’t like them at all! Line 48
BUTLER: Then you’re my
Brother! No?! We spit
together Amigo! P-p-p! {Butler spits, in a very crude and disgusting manner,
once again!} Line 47
CAPTAIN: Unfortunately he
cannot spit! He has no tongue! Line 46
BUTLER: No tongue?! Then we
dribble together?! No?! {Butler dribbles, in a very crude and
disgusting manner!} Line 45
CAPTAIN: Yes, would you
like to join us for dinner, Don, er…? Line 44
BUTLER: (Having a sudden
thought, about, what to call himself) Don Don Don Johnson! (As in Don Johnson of the nineteen eighties,
American Cop Show: Miami Vice!) Si Si, we drink together, and have a bit of a laugh,
or we may die tomorrow! Come along Bongo! Line 43
BUNGO looks at BUTLER, in a
highly suspicious manner, before he and the CAPTAIN,
set off, to dine, with his family. A very aloof dark haired
Spanish woman, and their little boy, who have got, no speaking parts,
whatsoever, during the whole discourse.
Scene 9 Int. Highly
Appointed Dining Room.
BUTLER: (Swigging from a
goblet) Ah sangria, sangria! Let us get drunk, and talk about woman’s, no? Hey Boy, when you get older, you transport many
slaves, yes? Line 42
CAPTAIN: Actually he wants
to become a Dentist! Line 41
BUTLER: A Dontist?! Line 40
CAPTAIN: M.hmm. Line 39
BUTLER: Really?! But it’s a
steady job! And for de toast Line 38
BUTLER: To de King Of Spain! Line Line 37
CAPTAIN AND HIS FAMILY
TOGETHER: King Phillip! (All stand up for the Toast!) Line 36
BUTLER: Him too! Line 35
Meanwhile back on Butler’s
Ship…
CLIFF: Now Remember, this
time, we don’t want to sink their ship, until the Captain, and all the Slaves,
are off! Line 34
ROGER: Clifton! Clifton! Do
you like my boarding outfit? Line 33
CLIFF: It’s very nice,
Master Roger. Now let’s hum, to cover us! Line 32
They all hum; ‘Y’ Viva Espana!
Scene 10 Int. Highly
Appointed Dining Room.
CAPTAIN: Your Men are in
good heart tonight, Don Johnson? Line 31
BUTLER: Well, they like a
bit of a sing song. Your Men, are very quiet. Much
like de Mouse! Line 30
CAPTAIN: Yes, well there
are not that very many of them. Line 29
BUTLER: Aah.
Senor, your sense of humour, is much like de Frog. It
leaps from the hand, when you least expect it! Line 28
CAPTAIN: No really, we only
have a small group of men. We can’t afford a massive crew. Line 27
BUTLER: Yah, but when you
sell de gold and de slaves, you will be very rich? No? Line 26
CAPTAIN: We have no gold or
slaves. We are a small family business. We export fine wines and sherries. Line 25
BUTLER: You mean to say,
that you are not returning from South America, with lots of lolly,
and a load of slaves? Line 24
CAPTAIN: Good Heavens no.
In fact my wife and I, are Founder members of the
Spanish Emancipation for Slaves Society. Line 23
BUTLER suddenly looks very
disappointed, indeed.
CAPTAIN: We are actually on
our way to the Paradise Island of Tahiti, with a Cargo of five thousand bottles
of Riocca. Line 22
BUTLER splutters some of
the wine of of his mouth, on to the front of the
CAPTAIN’s son.
CAPTAIN: Aah well. I think we had better be retiring to bed, Don
Johnson Line 21
BUTLER: Ah Congratulations Senor , you have passed my test… I am not in fact, a Spanish
Admirale, I am etc… Line 20