A LONGISH EXCERPT
FROM...
WAIT FOR IT!
THE ALTERNATIVE RED DWARF
SET ON RED DWARF!
BY MARIE BIRCH
Kryten carefully carried the breakfast
tray to the Science Room. If you were to look carefully at the tray, you would see, that this was certainly a tray carefully laid out for a
Princess. Well in fact, this was a tray carefully laid out for a Princess, and
this Princess, was the young Princess Argana, who was
the most recent addition, to the crew, on the Dwarf, ever since they had
answered her distress signal from her spaceship: The Excalibur, about a month
ago. Oh my, thought the Mechanoid, things had
certainly livened up on board, since the beautiful Princess Argana
had burst into their lives! He was not used to serving breakfast at 0800
hours. He was so used to serving Mr Lister's
breakfast at 1500 hours, every day, over the past five years,
that it had more or less become like second nature to him, by now.
Lister had long since drilled it into him, not to serve the Cat, with his
breakfast, because he knew that his sturdy metal frame, would have fitted down
the cargo pipes with great difficulty, where that was concerned! And he had
long become accustomed to the fact, that Mr Cat, was indeed a law, unto himself, anyhow! And Holly and Mr Rimmer, had hologrammatic meals anyway.
And even if Mr Rimmer was
alive, Mr Lister would soon have drilled it into him,
to let him get his own smegging
breakfast! However, her Royal Highness, the Princess Argana,
was completely a different kettle of fish, and she had strictly informed him,
and even Mr Lister, that if the Creature Feature,
which was the name, that she had chosen to christen the Cat, within the space
of just one hour of her arrival on the Dwarf, and you, Young Man, which was the
name, that she had chosen to christen Lister, chose to wallow their time away,
pointlessly, most of the day, then that was their problem, and not hers! And if
the Mechanoid, which was the name that she had chosen
to christen Kryten, didn't like it, then that was too
bad!
The Mechanoid,
as he seemed to think of himself nowadays, since Her Royal Highness: the
Princess Argana of Angellica,
had come on board the Dwarf, had definitely decided, that it would be better,
for one and all, that he would like her orders! After all, he liked her,
anyway! Well, when he really thought about it, it was not a question of not
wanting, to not like her. She was a Princess by birth, and she was of the
elite, and he knew, that it would be better, for all concerned, if he did like
her! After all, it wasn't as if she was a hard task Mistress really. She was
very courteous and polite really. But she was rather cold and
indifferent. He could not deny that, when it actually came down to it, at
the end of the day! And what hurt the most, was the fact that she was cold and
indifferent to Mr Lister, who loved her, beyond a
doubt! But what Kryten couldn't comprehend, was the
obvious fact, that of course Mr Lister loved her, she
was the only woman, that he had seen for three million and five years, and ever
since her Royal Highness, the Princess Argana of Angellica, had come on board, the ship, he had thought,
that it was his Birthday, Christmas and Easter all rolled into one! Well he
would, wouldn’t he?! That was Dave Lister, all over, for you, where that was
concerned! But Kryten supported Mr
Lister wholeheartedly, where his love of her Royal Highness, the Princess Argana of Angellica, was
concerned! And more importantly, than that, he even supported Mr Lister, playing those love songs, that
he had composed, especially for her, on his guitar, even if they did sound like
a Pussy Cat's chorus, when he played his guitar all night long! Kryten spoke into the voice panel, which was on the left
hand side of the Science room. He knew that he had to do this, before he
entered any room that the young Princess, might be occupying at the time,
otherwise, he knew that he would certainly get it in the neck, if he didn't!
Once he heard the command - "Come in!", the mechanoid entered the room.
As per usual, Argana was hunched over her drawing board, with that
confounded gigantic foolscap piece of paper on, where she was drawing all the
little stars in devotedly, and she was also colouring
them in orange, with a painting brush. I will go on to explain the purpose of
this pointless exercise in a moment. She gave the mechanoid
a weak smile, and she said - "Ah, Good morning Mechanoid!
I see that you have bought my breakfast thank you!".
Kryten answered her - "Yes Maam,
and good morning to you. I trust that you had a peaceful night in your
quarters?". Argana
looked at the mechanoid thoughtfully, as she decided
to break from her work, to partake of her breakfast. She had to admit that she
couldn't help liking Kryten really, when it actually
came down to it. He had been kindness in itself, ever since she had become a
member of the crew, over the past month, but she really couldn't bring herself
to be friends with him. In fact, she just could not understand his illegitimate
Father like son, relationship with Lister. No, she still couldn't fathom that
one out. She had tried explaining to Lister that he was a Mechanoid, an android for Goodness sake! And that he was
programmed to serve! Why oh why, couldn't that young man understand, that he
was interfering with his programming?! The word FRIEND did not even
exist in his programme files! But whenever, she had
tried explaining this to Lister, he just gave her a chirpy smile, and said that
he could always make the word FRIEND exist in
his programming, and what was the harm in it, anyway?! It was only a bit of
fun, and it wasn't as if DIVADROID, were going to come and tick him off for it,
were they?! Argana shuddered, whenever that young
man, mentioned the word FUN in a general conversation! She had
told him time and time again, that there was no time for laughs, on this
vessel, and it was about high time, that he grew up, and that he truly realised the gravity of his situation. And while she was
trying to think of a quicker and more convenient way of getting them back to
Earth, that the time for having a bit of a laugh, was when they got back to
Earth! There was no time, for that kind of nonsensical behaviour,
and the sooner he realised it, the better, and she
was forever thankful, that Arnold J. Rimmer, had had
the decency to acknowledge that fact! Oh, he sure knew about responsiblity alright, and she was sick and tired of Lister
making fun of him, for not knowing, how to let it all hang out! She knew that
if Rimmer had passed his astro-navigation
exam, that he would have definitely have become an Officer: First Class, and
that he would have been more, than entitled to kick Lister's ass around! Argana sighed, as she dipped her knife into the honey pot,
and spread it on the white bread, that Kryten had
carefully and thoughtfully prepared for her, and then the reality sunk in. Rimmer wasn't an Officer: First Class, just a Second
Technician, and that he was not entitled to kick Lister's ass about! But Argana smiled, and she knew, that as she was a Chief
Science Officer, and acting Commander of this vessel, that she was definitely
entitled to kick that boys' ass, whenever she got the chance! Lister didn't
know what Argana was truly made of, but the Mechanoid certainly did! She felt sad, whenever she gazed
into his blue eyes, which reminded her so much, of her Fathers blue eyes. Her
Father, the late King Krystien, murdered by those
evil Devillgillian's, had been a wise and good man,
and Argana had had to blink back the tears, whenever
she thought back to all the good times, that they had had together, in the
past. And worse even than that, Kryten, who
had originally hailed from the United Nations Nova Five Research vessel.
The Series 4,000 Mechanoid's kindness, sweetness
and wisdom, was a constant and heartbreaking reminder of her Father, and that
was one reason, why she couldn't really find it in her heart, to make friends
with him, when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day. And the
worse thing was, that the Mechanoid
knew about her Father, because he had got a very high intelligence rate, which
had enabled him to be aware of the fact, that he reminded her, of the young
Princesses Father. And that was one good reason, why Argana
had been rather hard on him, during her time on the Dwarf. And Argana shuddered at this knowledge, because she knew that Kryten had made Lister fully aware of that fact. And even
though Lister had never told her, what had been discussed, where Kryten was concerned, the sadness in his eyes, whenever he
looked at her, tore right through Argana's heart, and
the last thing, that she wanted off Dave Lister, was his sympathy!
Argana had answered, Kryten's
question - "As a matter of fact, Mechanoid, I
did not have a very good night". Kryten seemed
rather perturbed by this, and said - "Oh, I really must apologise, Maam. Wasn't the bed
comfortable enough for you? After all, I insisted, that you have the very best
bed linen, that there is. I know that you are accustomed to silken sheets,
but...". Argana
cut in, and said - "I am not talking about my sleeping arrangements, Mechanoid! I am talking about that infernal racket, that I
keep hearing from the Officer's quarters, which I might happen to add, are at
least three floors, below my penthouse suite! What the devil is going on down
there? I keep thinking that we're under attack from some unknown alien lifeforms! And you know full well, that I have been trained
to be always on my guard, when I had my basic training at my Planets base of
the Space Corps!" Kryten seemed to be
rather reluctant to answer Argana's question, but Argana was having none of it, and she exclaimed -
"Don't worry Mechanoid, I don't want to get you into trouble! But my curiosity is
getting the better of me. Please do tell! Is that young man and Creature
Feature, having a good fight for some reason, that I just can't work
out? Look, I am a Doctor as well, you know, and I feel that I have a
responsibility to know, if somebody is getting hurt, and as much as I despise
your fair weather friend, I wouldn't really want any harm to come to him, when
it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day! And I have got a bit of
time to spare for Creature Feature, but if he has a serious accident, his
anatomy may be rather different to Lister's, and you know full well, that I am
not a medical specialist! So do tell!". Kryten knew that he had no choice, but to tell the young
Princess, what was really going on - Well, you see your Highness, it is like
this, well er-". "Come on, speak up! I
haven't got all day!". Kryten
decided that she might as well know, what was really going on - "Well,
it's really quite simple Maam, Mr
Lister is practising on his guitar!". "Argana shook, after he had told her that, and said -
"Hmm, I might have guessed! Well Mechanoid, I am
afraid, that it is, just not, good enough! Now, Mechanoid,
I am afraid, that it definitely, looks like, that I am going, to have, a little
bit, of a discussion, with your: Oh My God! Mr
Lister! Argana had gone, and mimicked, Kryten’s voice, in an extremely sarcastic, spoilt brat
manner! And Argana, had continued -
”Now will you kindly tell him, that I wish to see him, at 0900 hours. I
have one or two things, that I wish to discuss with him". Kryten had bowed, to her, and said - "Certainly, Maam, but Mr Lister, was going to
come and see you, anyway, because there are one or two things, that he wishes
to discuss with you". Argana remained
expressionless. What on earth, could that young man, have to say to her, that may be of some use to her projects? Why, it
was a complete and utter waste of time having an intelligent conversation with
him! She had tried, she really had, and she had indeed asked him, whether he
liked classical music, and when she had mentioned her love of Handel to him,
she shuddered whenever she thought back to his response - "A handle is for
opening a door, that's what I always thought, babe!", and ever since then,
Argana had been rather reluctant to have a serious
discussion, with him, ever again. Argana was desparate to carry on with her work now, and she said -
"Well by all means, but you tell him mechanoid,
that he comes at the appointed time, or else! And do tell him to have a good
wash behind the ears, would you?". "Why, of
course Maam", Kryten
answered her, and with that, he left the Science room. He was really pleased
that everything had gone quite smoothly, for once, with the young Princess, and
that she seemed to be in a fairly good mood, this morning. Unfortunately
however, Kryten’s illusions, on that, rare hope, in
question, on that particular day, in question, were going, to be anything, but
smooth, had soon, been shattered, after he had heard, the familiar cry......
Mechannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kryten knew instinctively, that there was
something very wrong, and without a moments
hesitation, he re-entered the Science Room. For the life of him, Kryten could not see that there was anything wrong. All he
could see, was her Highness, standing by the printer, minus it's holder of
course, and she was fuming! Kryten thought it best to
pacify her, and he said - "Yes, Maam, you
called? What seems to be the problem?". Argana wasn't listening to him. He didn't know, whether it
was his imagination, but he couldn't understand, for the life of him, why the
young Princess seemed to be addressing the wall, but then humans had always
baffled him, but the young Princess, wasn't really what you would call, one
hundred per cent human, anyway, but she had never seemed to him, so human, at
that present moment, as she carried on, addressing the air around her -
"Why oh why is it, that no matter how hard it is I try, to drum a sense of
discipline into this rag tag band, and whenever I feel that there may be just
one tiny breakthrough, and a sense of light at the end of the tunnel, that it
soon closes in on me, as if to spite me?!". "Maam?", Kryten asked her,
obviously not comprehending her sense of frustration, but then he wouldn't,
would he? she thought to herself. He was programmed to
obey, no matter what, and that was the one great difference between Kryten and her poor Father, who was no longer, of her
world, come to that. Now if her Father had witnessed her being in a
temper like this, he wouldn't have put up with it, for one moment! Why he would
have shook her by the shoulders, until she had calmed down, and then once they
had had a reasonable and controlled discussion, filled with logic, which this mechanoid, was certainly filled with, then they would have
just laughed it off, as per usual. But Kryten wasn't
her Father, and he didn't know how to calm her down. It was ironic really,
when Argana thought back to when she had first
arrived on board this dilapidated old mining vessel, which needed more repair
jobs on it, than the Mir Space Station! But she had really admired the mechanoids logic and reasoning, and she had thought him so
clever, that he was a top Astro-Physicist, Chief
Scientist Mechanoid, and that they would have a great
deal in common, and discuss research profiles together, but it wasn't as simple
as that, Rimmer was soon quick to inform her, that Kryten was a Sanitation Mechanoid,
and even though he thought that he was a mechanoid,
who was far too crafty and clever for his own good, because of Lister's Advanced
Courses in Rebellion, the fact still remained, that he was a Sanitation Mechanoid, and he certainly did have a title alright -
Captain Bog Bot! To be fair to Argana, she did think that Rimmer,
was being a bit unfair, and Kryten did seem genuinely
interested in her work, but at the end of the day, Rimmer
was right, Kryten was rather limited outside his
sanitation core program, and even though, she had mentioned her scientific
studies to him, over the past month, he would only listen to her, about it, and
he would never dare to venture his own opinion, where that was concerned, and
even though that was the only thing that Argana
admired Lister for, for getting the mechanoid to
break his own programming, and be his own person, she knew that he would always
be a Sanitation Mechanoid at heart, and it almost
broke her heart, one day, when she was telling him about her planets structure,
when he suddenly drifted off, and he had started, to dust around her, and she
would end up losing the thread of what she had originally been discussing. Even
when she showed him, his favourite rock samples in
the Geological Museum, you could tell, when his cleaning chip, was springing
back into action, once again, when he would not seem, to listen to what she was
saying, and once he started to lift the lids of the glass cases, where the
rocks were stored, and he would insist on giving them a flick with his feather
duster, Argana knew that she was fighting a losing
battle, with him. It was as if a part of him wanted to be like her Father, but
he knew full-well, that he couldn't do it, but he was the closest link to her
Father, that she had left, when it actually came down to it, and that was why
she was taking her frustrations out on him, now! "I'll tell you what the
problem is, mechanoid! The printer seems to be
minus it's support holder! Where in Satans name, is it, may I ask? I think that little boys,
have got something to do with this, am I right?". Little
boys was another name, that Argana had chosen for
Lister and the Cat, but Kryten knew full well, that
her Royal Highness, the Princess Argana, had really
chosen it for, Mr Lister, because in a sense, she
knew that 'Little Boys' definitely encouraged Creature Feature, to misbehave to
a certain extent, because when you think about it, most animals misbehave, if
they are given plenty of encouragement, by their owners! "I am
waiting Mechanoid!", she said, indicating, that
she was determined to know what had happened to the printer holder, no matter
what. "Well Maam, just because the printer
is minus it's support, does not mean...". Argana had sighed, she was getting
a little bit tired, of the mechanoid questioning her
orders She knew without a doubt, that was a trait of little boys advanced
course in rebellion. Argana cut in - "Mechanoid, I am fully aware of the fact, that the printer
will operate without it's holder, but you know full well, that it makes it look
rather untidy, just squatting on the floor, like that! And because I happen to
be one of these people who like their affairs to be in order, whether it be for
business or for pleasure, I think that I am an entitled to an explanation,
don't you? It isn't an unreasonable request, when it comes down to it
really". Kryten was still determined not
to answer her question, if he could get away with it. After all, he wasn't a
defiant mechanoid, when it actually came down to it,
and it hadn't been his fault, that the reaction to the Dove programme,
which had corrupted his etiquette cache files, when they had put Mr Lister in that game, to help him get over the fever
which had nearly killed him, after Mr Rimmer had destroyed the time drive, to save them from
their future selves, had more or less upset the game! But that was all in the
past now, Kryten knew that he had fully conquered that
virus now, and he was back to his old sweet self once more, but some of
Lister's training had teached him to be, what was the
saying in his Binary Code - Ev000enig u ared (Not to
be deterred!), which was very similar, indeed, to an Email Message, from
people, who used the Internet, and who, could not, be bothered, to type them,
out properly, so that, they could, send their Email Messages, to their friends,
when it had actually come down to it, at the end of the day! Well roughly
speaking, that saying translated in English American (which he was more fluent
in, than some English people were, come to that!) or standard English, was: To
be Evasive. To narrowly avoid the truth. Mr Lister, hadn't quite put it
like that. His translation was: To get round all the tosspots, if you
could get away with it! But the general meaning was the same, and while he
thought that he could get out of it, while he had the chance, he said to Argana "But while you are drawing up your star charts Maam, until you have completed that task, you do not need
direct access to the printer. If I might add-". But
Argana,
was also, Ev000enig u ared (Not to be deterred!)! And
Argana, had informed Kryten,
in her usual icy tone - "You may not add anything mechanoid!
Now will you PLEASE tell me what has happened to the printer supporter, before
I decide to roast you over the fires of Silicon hell!". Put
like that, Kryten knew that he had no choice, but to
tell Argana the truth - "I am afraid Maam, well it is like this er,
well er, Mr Lister and Mr Cat had decided to use the printer support, for their
recreational facilities, this morning. I did urge them to take care of it Maam, I really did, and as Mr
Lister does respect your work so highly, he did promise to bring it
back". Argana knew only too well, what
their recreational facilities meant, since she had been on this hell hole of a
ship, during the past month. She knew full-well that life for little boys and
especially Creature Feature, was one constant aim of
recreation! She had long understood the Cat's need for recreation, and she had
long given up trying to educate him, even though it had been heart breaking for
her to do so, as he reminded her so much, of her dear old flight instructor and
friend, Curt. But Argana knew that it was in his blood
to be like that, and she spent enough time on Earth, to be fully aware of a
pussy cats' selfish traits! They were a law unto themselves, but it was an
entirely different matter in Lister's case! Why, he just did not
understand the meaning of responsibility! And she could not understand for the
life of her, why he seemed determined to make it part of his long-lived
ambition to slob around, and clown about, and basically find more and more ways
of making each and every day so unproductive, and Argana
could never get over, how he managed to find so many ingenious ways, of just
basically wasting time! She could see no logical reason for it! Why it
was unforgivable! It was well, just so irresponsible, when it actually
came down to it! And she knew that she was going to have a serious word with
him, about his behaviour, sooner or later. It
was inevitable really. Argana forced her thoughts
back to the present, and she said to him in a rather petulant tone - "That
is not answering my question, Mechanoid!". Kryten shook.
In fact he always seemed to shake when Princess Argana
was been rather uppity with him, which seemed to be rather frequently these
days. Kryten decided that he would tell her
without any further delay, about what Mr Lister and Mr Cat had really done with the printer holder.
"Well Maam, Mr Lister
and Mr Cat have decided to use the printer holder,
for their game of soapsud slalom on the cargo ramps.
It-it seems, that they wanted something that was a bit more riskier to use,
than a normal sled!". Once he had told her
what had happened, Argana's face seemed to turn a
very bright shade of red, which worried Kryten
extremely. In fact, the young Princess, looked as if she was
going to explode. Well, as a matter of fact, Argana
did explode - "They have done whaa--aatt?! How dare they treat this science room, like a
recreation room! Have they got no dignity?! Have they got no consideration, for
others who are working in here?". Kryten suddenly started to look around him, for the other
people who were working with the Princess. Argana
sighed and thought to herself - Why, oh why, did that mechanoid,
have to take everything so literally? No wonder, she could never achieve
anything with her projects! How on earth, was she expected to work so
diligently, with all these distractions?! "I apologise
for Mr Listers' actions, Maam. I'm sure that he didn't mean to disturb you and the
others in here". "Why didn't you tell me about this, Mechanoid?", Argana asked him in a more calmer tone. By now, Kryten was trembling, as he was trying desparately
to think up a suitable explanation, but at the end of the day, he knew that he
couldn't really come up with one. So, he merely said - "I-I d--didn't
think that it would do any harm maam-". By
now, Argana, had had just about as much as she could
take, and she exploded once more - "You didn't think that it would do any
harm!? It's only caused me to worry about the printer holder for five minutes, Mechanoid! Now, will you please get out!"
Kryten looked flabbergasted, and he knew that he had
failed, once more, in trying to get the young Princess, to succumb to Mr Lister's charms "Why are you still here, Mechanoid? What did I just tell you?!". Kryten forced himself to say - "D-Does that mean that
you don't wish to see Mr Lister, at the appointed
time, then, Maam?". Argana sighed, and said - "Of course I still want to
see him Mechanoid! And do you know why I want to see
him?". Kryten
shook his head. This was really beginning to confuse his cache files. "Because I jolly well want to give him a piece of my mind, Mechanoid! Now will you kindly get out, while the
going is still good!". Put like that, Kryten knew that he had no choice, but to leave the young
Princess to her own devices, while she was in this bad mood, and with a single -
"Of course Maam", and he left the Science
room, without any further ado.
After he had left, Argana had felt, really drained. Oh, why did that
young man, get under her skin like this? And all over the printer holder as
well! However, Argana knew that it wasn't just the
absence of the printer holder, that was making her so
angry. In fact, it wasn't the first time, that he had made her angry, anyway,
and she felt her skin crawl, when she thought back to all the other incidents,
that he had caused, that had made her feel so depressed and dejected. She
thought back to the very first time, that she had met him, when she had first
felt well enough to venture out of the medical bay, because she had been too
ill to receive many visitors, at first, and at the mechanoids
concerned insistence as well. She thought back to that very first day,
when she had met him in the corridor, on the way to her quarters. Why, she
had never known such defiance, in all her born days! Why, even, the
Evening Suit, that he worn, for her benefit, did not look, quite right, at the
time! And his face, had been, very grubby looking,
indeed! She wouldn't have minded so much, if he hadn't greeted her with
such a chirpy and cherubic smile, which was really attributed to downright
irresponsibility in her opinion! Why, he hadn't even bowed! Didn't
he know the correct way of greeting a Princess?! And she had felt
disgusted, when he had grabbed her hand, and had administered it with such a slobby kiss, which had almost left a teeth mark on
it! And not only that, he had also been very reluctant to let it go as
well, and after about five minutes of him licking her hand, she had had to
order him, in a very chilly and icy tone, to release his hold of it, and she
had been vastly relieved, that he had had enough sense to obey her orders, and
know, that she meant it! However, it wasn't that little incident, which
had disgusted her so much. It was his well meaning offer, of fixing up a
sandwich for her, now that she more or less admitted to herself, that now that
she had got over that knock on the head, she felt somewhat peckish.
Lister had seemed determined to do his best to make her happy, and to win her
trust, he offered to fix up a sandwich for her, because Argana
did not really feel like a full blown meal from the dispenser, and Kryten had informed her, that Mr
Lister, was really good at fixing up sandwiches, and he went on to say, that he
was a real expert, where that culinary skill of his, was concerned.
However, Argana concluded that the mechanoid,
did indeed have a connection loose somehow, after she had had her sample taste
of Mr Oh my God Lister's culinary skills! She
had actually spat out the contents of the sandwich, with disgust, when she
discovered that it was a sugar puff sandwich, that he
had insisted would be to her taste, as he said in such a charming way, that he
thought she was of such a sweet nature, that it would certainly suit her! Argana could not for the life of her understand, why he had
looked so hurt, when she thrown the offending object on to the floor at first,
she had thought that he had done it to get back at her, for been so cold and
distant with him. In fact, she wouldn't have minded so much, if he had done it
to get back to her, but she could tell that he had been really serious, about
dreaming up, something, that he thought would be to her liking! Argana was incredulous with disbelief, at the young mans obvious lack of intelligence, and she shuddered,
whenever she thought back to that little incident, just over a month ago. Argana remembered when a consignment of sugar puffs had
been delivered to her planet, about five years ago, or was it five years
ago? After all she had only been in stasis, for over three million years
and twenty four years, and she now knew that time was irrelevant, but it only
felt as if it had been three seconds, that she had had in stasis, but Hab had told her, that it didn't work like that, when you
were outside the stasis booth but Argana decided to
look back to that particular incident, with regard to the consignment of sugar
puffs, which been delivered to her planet, by the Space Delivery people, as if
it was yesterday, and she remembered, that after a period of only two days,
that the people of her planet, had been so disgusted, when they had had the
sugar puffs for breakfast, that they would not allow another consignment to be
delivered, by the Space Delivery man, which was actually countermanded by her
Father himself. In the end, her Father decided to use the remaining sugar puff
consignment for animal feed for the farm, which was in the domed city of Calpurnia on the planet Angelica. But even that, was a
complete and utter waste of time, and the vet had to be called in, once the
pigs were so violently sick, after just one feeding, but they were declared
alright, by the vet. Fortunately, it was just a bad reaction, he had assured
the Farming team, but after that, her Father insisted that on no account, was
any animal on the community farm, to be given sugar puffs as animal fodder, but
it did have it's uses, which Argana
had discovered herself, via her duty as the planets Chief Scientist, and she
soon found, within the space of just one hour, that the sugar puffs made
excellent rocket fuel, and as they had a consignment, which would have kept her
people going for at least six months, once watered down, the sugar puff fuel
lasted for about a week. It was vastly uneconomical as a regular rocket fuel of
course, but in an absolute emergency, it would have come in very handy, indeed!
Argana had forced her mind, back to the
present, and she had decided, to concentrate on her work, while she had got,
the opportunity. Argana had quite a lot of
responsible jobs to do, in this Science Room, and she wished to high heaven,
that the crew of this ship, would try and be aware of
that fact! She had to find out, once and for all, whether Holly's course
for Earth, was one hundred percent right, but she still hadn't got round to
asking her, for her course co-ordinates. She also understood that Lister
had very good engineering abilities, and that was one thing, that she wanted to
discuss with him, anyway. She wanted him to repair the time drive,
that Rimmer had destroyed, so that he could
save them all from their future selves. She knew without a doubt, that now
they were all safely ensconced back on the Dwarf, that there was a very remote
possibility of that happening, again, because in her opinion, she knew that
they had only interfered with their future in the first place, because they had
got nothing better to do, but now they were back on the Dwarf, and they had
more than enough things to keep them occupied, well Argana
certainly had anyway. She was always a person who found things to do,
even if the others couldn't. She just could not understand for the life of
her, what with such a well stocked library, that this ship had, especially the
computer library, why the Boyz, couldn't be bothered
to even search for a book, let alone read one! Why, it was absolutely
disgraceful! She thought back to what she had said to her Father about peoples ignorance on Earth, and she had informed her Father
of that fact, and she had stated - "If I had my way, reading books would
be compulsory! Why, I think people deserve life imprisonment, for
depriving their minds of such culture!". But
her Father had gone on to say, that there were a lot of good people about in
life, who didn't read books, but they still got on in life, and as long as they
were kind to others, and offered out humanity, didn't that really count, at the
end of the day? And he had also stated to her quite emphatically - "Argana, you have got to remember, that you cannot bend
others to your will, and not everybody, wants the same things out of life as
you do, and you cannot force knowledge down peoples
throats like that! Oh, I admit, that been forced to read a book isn't an
unpleasant form of torture, like the thumb screws and tortures, of planet
Earth's middle ages, etcetera, but it is still a dictatoral
term and if a law like that, were passed, you would be amazed at how many
people would defy it, and even some of the intellectuals themselves, would soon
get bored, with everybody trying to be more intellectual, than they are! No, Argana, people must have the right, to choose what they
want to do with their lives! Now, what if your Mother and I, had forced
you to remain a Space Doctor, instead of becoming a Scientist, now how would
you have felt about that, hmm?". Argana had realised that her
Father had been absolutely right, with his wisdom and his logic, once more, and
it pained her to think of him, in comparison to Kryten,
and once more, she turned her thoughts back to the present. With regard to
the time drive, she was one hundred percent certain, that their future selves
wouldn't come back, now that they were outside their influence, but she wanted
the security of it being repaired, just in case they did get back to Earth, and
the human race was extinct, but she had utterly refused to believe, that there
were no human beings alive, despite what Lister, Holly and even the Animal had
said. Well come to think of it, even her own computer, from her ship the
Excalibur, Hab, thought that with the exception of
Dave Lister, mankind was extinct, and she shuddered whenever, she thought that
there was an ultimate possibility of him, being the last man alive. But if
they did get back to earth, and the human race, had been wiped out, then they
could use the time drive, and go back to a time, possibly just after the
radiation accident, which had wiped the crew of Red Dwarf out, when man would
definitely, have still been alive. It was as simple as that, but Argana had prayed to dear God, that it wouldn't come to
that, and the reason why they hadn't come across any other humans, for the time
being, was due to the very good reason, that they were out in uncharted space,
and just because they hadn't come into radio contact, with the last ship, which
Lister had "Swiped". Argana felt
disgusted, whenever they went on these little trips, to see if there was
anything of salvageable value, but her curiosity had got the better of her
every time, and she was so desparate to see any
possible signs of humanoid life, that she had to go along to offer whatever
medical assistance she could, in case any personnel was seriously injured, and
it was her insatiable curiosity to find signs of life, on every ship, that the Boyz had swiped, which really worried Lister, and he was
incredulous at her disbelief and naivety, every time, she came across a dead
skeleton in the ships, that they visited, but Lister never seemed to mind her
leaping into his arms, for comfort, every time, that she was really
scared at seeing the remains of the dead crew. In fact, it was usually
Lister, who offered her medical assistance, nine times out of ten, whenever she
felt faint, but she hadn't received the kiss of life off him, yet! But she
had also comforted Rimmer, when he had been even more
shocked than she was, and he did actually faint, when a skeleton
confronted him, as well! She did have to use the smelling salts on him
quite often, and she did think it rather odd, that as he was a hologram in his
hard light form (which he could only use on Starbug),
that he suffered these panic attacks, but she put it down to a possible flaw,
in his software, rather than him being a downright coward, as Lister and the
Cat, had insisted to her, time and time again, that was the real reason, why he
suffered these panic attacks, and she just accused them of being jealous, and
very immature. As for Kryten and the Cat, they
never had panic attacks, when they were on their ' shopping trips', because it
was against Kryten's programming to be scared, and it
was against Cat's coolness, to be scared, and as for Lister, he was a law unto
himself, anyway. Argana had also believed, that
just because there was no radio contact between any vessels, that were in the
vicinity, that didn't mean that the crew was necessarily dead, and she just
assumed that they were having problems with their radio, that was all, but she
had to admit, the fact, that she did find it a bit odd, that when they had been
contacting a nearby vessel, within radio range just before they went on their
so called missions of mercy, and there was nobody answering them, that the
radio was out, and when they did get on the ship, where all the crew were in a
motionless state, which was so often the case, that when she went to check
their radio, just before they made their exit, that the radio was in perfect
working order, which was always nearly the case, but she would not let that get
to her. Argana was determined that they would
find a humanoid crew which was alive one day, and every ship, that they had
come across, so far, had been messing about with DNA experiments, and
therefore, what the hell did they expect! In some cases, they deserved
what they got, but Lister had been firm with her, whenever she made that
statement, and he reminded her that she was half gelf
herself, and part of a DNA experiment, which had gone wrong in later years, and
that was why, she was still about herself, to a certain extent, as the life
that they had come across, before they had made her acquaintance was gelf, and Argana shuddered,
whenever he reminded her of her ancestry, and she had informed him that she was
more human than gelf, and she refused to believe that
the Gelf's had taken over the Universe! But the
main reason, that Argana had still got hope in her
heart, of mankind still been alive, was due to Arnold J. Rimmer
himself. He had told her time and time again, that the human race wasn't
extinct, whenever she had her doubts, about that, and she was not to take any
notice of Lister. He was just saying her that, to annoy her, to get the
better of her, just because she had got effective command of this
ship! After all she was a real Commander, when it came down to it, and he
also informed her, that Lister had always hated people in authority, because
they made him work, and he didn't know the meaning of work, and that he
was a crafty little devil who could wrangle out of things, just by clicking his
fingers, yes indeedy! And he had said to her -
"You stand up to him, Argana and don't you take
any nonsense from him! He's only trying to take adavantage
of your better nature, that's all! He's only telling you, that there is
nobody out there, so that he can get away without doing a days
work, and idle his time away, for as long as he pleases! Well, I am afraid
that will soon change, when we get back to earth! I have got a list of all of
his mutinous deeds in my head, Argana, but I can't
write them down, but you can if you wish, now here is the very first deed...". Quite surprisingly, Argana
cut him off and said - "No thank you Arnold, I've got more than enough to
do as it is, but you can always record every one of his misdemeanors in the
Hologram Projection Suite, you know. There is plenty of suitable
equipment there for you to touch, that will be more
than sufficient for your needs". Rimmer had smiled evilly to this,
and said - "Now why didn't I think of that?! Of course, I will
set to it right away", and with that he left her to her work, and she
hadn't seen him for the past two weeks, and she sighed and she realised, that it would take him all of that time, and
possibly even more, to recall every single mischief that Lister had incurred,
before she had arrived on this ship! It will probably take me another two
years, the way that I am going, with all these distractions, to do these
confounded star charts, Argana thought, as she
unfolded the giant foolscap of paper out, onto her drawing board. She
sighed, as she thought of her other menial task, after she eventually got round
to working out the course co-ordinates for Earth, and that was constructing the
light speed drive, because that was what was needed to get this ship back to
Earth, at a more speedy pace. She did not fancy going into stasis again,
and lose more years from her life, even though Lister had informed her time and
time again, that he didn't really give a toss, about how much time had passed,
as every day was virtually the same anyway, and it didn't really matter what
day of the week was, when you were in space, and that time was irrelevant. Argana felt that was a very immature and irresponsible
attitude to take, and she had quoted from - "Alice In
Wonderland" - "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for a very important date
and she had given a lecture to him, that time had mattered to the great authors
of their day, and what white rabbit had said that? She had nearly
collapsed on the spot, with total and incredulous disbelief, when Lister had
answered her with - "Bugs Bunny!", and then Argana
had told him, that he well and truly deserved to be a guest at The Mad Hatters
Tea Party! And the Cat, who had been listening to this
debriefing in the Science Room. Well he wasn't listening as such,
actually. He had just woken up, from a snooze on one of the desks. Argana had got to the stage, where she was getting past
caring, about the animals sleeping arrangements, but it had really disgusted
her, about three weeks ago, when his reply to that particular statement at
Lister, had been - "Hey Lady, does that mean, I am invited as well?
It means that I will need at least a week to design my new outfit!". But Argana, had been too incredulous with disbelief to answer him.
With regard to designing
the new light speed drive for Red Dwarf, however, Argana
wasn't very confident, where that was concerned. She was a Scientist, not an
Engineer, and even though she knew, that she had got more than what it took to
design one, her knowledge was rather limited to getting it connected to a power
point, in the Cargo decks, and she also felt that Holly did not have the
necessary random memory to run the system, and it would need one hell of a lot
of back up, to give it the power, that it would need to get this craft back to
earth, but she would worry about that, after she had completed these confounded
star charts, and even though Lister had been quite interested and enthusiastic,
about her designing this light speed drive, Argana
knew that he wasn't in that much of a hurry to get back to earth, when it
actually came down to it, at the end of the day! And he had told her to take
all the time, that she needed to get all these back breaking tasks done, and
she still had to complete her most important task to date, and that was,
another job, that this idle computer, should have done, from day one, after the
radiation leak, yes Sir! And that was, wait for it: The A to Z of the
Universe with all it's Post Offices and Steeples, and
every known asteroid, planetoid, star, gas giant, and every single planet, that
they had passed, or been to, from the moment that Lister had gone into
stasis! Why, it was an absolute disgrace, Argana
had told Holly at the time, that no star charts had been created! Why, it was
unforgivable! And Argana, was determined to report this idle computer to the Space
Corps, once they got back to earth! After all, it wasn't as if she had had
a great deal to do, while Lister was in stasis! Anything would have been more
preferable to reading - "Football, It's A Funny
Old Game", by Kevin Keegan! Holly had explained that he (which she had
been at the time), had made a start on it, but it had got a bit boring after a
time, but she had printed off his (when she, had been a he,
that is!) first star chart at Argana's insistence,
which she had been quite impressed with, which almost made her forgive her, and
Argana had told her, that she was an AI 6,000 hologrammatic computer, and by rights, she shouldn't know
what it was like to be bored, let alone have feelings! When she had told Lister
about that at the time, he had been rather firm with her, and he had told her,
that computers had a right to their feelings, as much as any human, and that
Holly did feel, and he did insist to her, that having been on his own for three
million years, without the necessary computer personnel, to prevent him from
having feelings, wouldn't have done his personality cache, much good, and for
once Argana had agreed with Lister. After all, she
should have known better, with her computer training, to have taken it out on
the computer like that, and she had duly apologised
to Holly and to Lister, and to be fair to Holly, Argana
had discovered the fact, that Holly had indeed resumed his/her star charts,
once Lister was out of stasis, and had recorded every planet, that they had
visited or bypassed, so there was some hope, after all, and by analyzing the
star charts on a spare terminal, Argana more or less
thought, that once she gave her the co-ordinates for earth, that the course
that she had plotted to Earth, would be ninety eight per cent correct, but Argana wanted to be one hundred per cent certain, that the
course was right, and she was determined to ascertain, with Holly's memory
banks, over the three million year gap, that she hadn't bothered to do the star
charts, and not only that, Argana was in the
continual process of having to design the star charts, that should have been
done in the first place, and once they were completed, Holly could print the
charts out, that she had collated over the years, for reference purposes, so Argana could match the co-ordinates, with the course on the
star charts but Argana had got to do the three
million gap, star charts by hand, because Argana
knew, that it would be far too much for Holly's memory banks to take, and as
the pieces of paper were so gigantic, Argana knew
that she could record every single detail by hand, with more than enough space
to spare, without having to interfere with her memory banks. It wouldn't
take three million years, for Argana to do the star
charts, thank goodness, because according to the data, that Holly had kindly
supplied Argana with, they hadn't really passed any
significant space marks, and the majority of the planetoids and asteroids, were
unnamed anyway but Argana, was determined to draw
every single gas giant and planet, that they had passed anyway, so that she
could definitely be sure, that they were on their way back to earth, once and
for all. All in all, Argana estimated that she
had got to do about five more charts, to catch up with Holly's star charts, where
the planets started to get more significant anyway. That wasn't the
problem. No, the problem for Argana was, where
this was concerned, was getting the gigantic piece of paper to stop folding up,
every time, she spread it out, but Kryten had been
kind enough to solve that problem for her, by finding some special clips for
the drawing board, which worked like a charm, but it wasn't as simple as
that. Even though Argana, knew more than enough about designing star charts, thanks
to her training at
Argana had almost missed, the Cat entering
the Science Room, without asking, Kryten to announce
him, as per usual. It had really got on her goat, the way that the animal
sauntered into any room or area, on this ship, as if he owned the place. Argana had asked him at least a hundred times, to show her
a bit of courtesy, but it had become rather pointless after about a week, that
she had long given up, making the effort. "Hey, Lady, you still
working out, how to re-design the Universe?!". Argana sighed at his obvious lack of interest in her work,
which she considered, really essential to their well being! At least
Lister, did show a bit of interest, where that was concerned, she had to give
him credit for that, but it was an entirely different matter, where the animal
was concerned! Why, he didn't even address her properly! He just kept
on addressing her as 'Lady', which made her feel, as if she were on a street in
New York, and when she had tried to get it through to him in the past:
"It's your Highness, animal! Your Royal Highness, animal!". The Cat had just smiled at her and flashed those
white fangs of his: "Why, thank you Lady, it's nice to know that somebody
knows my real name! Why, you're my friend for life!", and with that,
he slapped his hand on hers, and left the room. At that point, Argana had broken down and cried,
because his gesture, the slapping of her hand, had been so reminiscent
of her dear old friend Curt, who had also been her ex-flight Instructor, but in
Curt's case, more often than not, his hand had had grease on it, from an
engine, that he had been working on. A greasy grubby hand,
that knew what the word WORK truly meant! And, it had
disgusted Argana, to have her hand slapped, with a
manicured hand, by a completely vain, and a very egotistical, and an utterly
selfish creature, who had reminded her, so much, of her dear dead friend:
Curt, who had saved her life, and who, had saved her, from being slain, by that
evil machine gun fire, from those evil Devillgillian's,
and who, had lost, his own life, into the bargain! Why, this creature,
only looked out, for himself! But there was something about him, Argana thought and he was always there, whenever they
encountered a derelict ship, and she could not deny, that he made an excellent
co-pilot, and she had been amazed to discover, that he had been very keen to
learn all he could, about Space Aviation. However, Argana
had been bitterly disappointed to discover that he had only taken an interest
in it, because there were a lot of nice shiny things for him to play with, and
he soon got bored, after about an hour or two, and she had to take over
herself, at the wheel, before she felt like it, to assist Lister, and she
didn't really trust Kryten, or even Rimmer, where that was concerned, and she didn't dare say
to Lister, that she didn't really like been at the wheel, and it didn't hold
that much interest to her, but she had had six months training by a dedicated
pilot and a good friend, and she vowed that she wasn't going to waste six
months training, or let his memory down, just because she didn't feel like it,
yes Sir! She was not going to show Dave Lister, that she had lost her
sense of discipline, where her pilots training was concerned, and she had also
vowed, that she would not lose face in front of him, ever! Even if it
killed her! However, the Cat brought her thoughts back to the present, and
she merely cast a disgusted look at him, which he didn't seem to notice, and
even if he had, she knew that he wouldn't have cared anyway and she had, simply
stated - “I thought, I heard a Puddy Cat, I did, I
did, I did!”, which had seemed, to go, unnoticed, by the Cat, himself. And
that, had been due, to the utterly sarcastic way, that Argana,
had stated it, and which, would have frightened, the very life, out of, even
the Devil, himself! However, Argana, had also, merely
stated - "Can't you even say Good morning, before you make a general
comment, about my work on this ship, Creature Feature?!" And, the Cat, had
merely flashed her another smile, which reminded her of her dear friend Curt
only too well, once again, but only when he had teased her, about him taking an
interest in his appearance, which had never really been his thing, and Argana had long since regretted criticising
him about that, and she felt that ever since, she had first made her
acquaintance with the Cat, that she had been cursed forever more, by getting on
to Curt, about his appearance in the first place! At first, Argana
had been impressed by the way, that the creature wore his clothes, and how well
his suits were made, and when the Cat, had given her the rare privilege of
seeing inside his wardrobe in his quarters, for a few minutes, she was so
impressed by the quality of them, that she had thought that she was in a branch
of Gucci's or even Bloomingdales, or Liberty's of London, or Dior of Paris,
etcetera, and she hadn't been able to help her curiosity, about the contrast
between him and Curt. But like the saying goes, Curiosity had indeed, killed
the Cat, only too well, and Argana had certainly
discovered that his looks, and his clothes, were all that he really cared
about! He was certainly a vain and selfish creature, where that was
concerned, and he had even criticised her own
appearance, with regard to the long white Grecian gowns, which were a typical
everyday traditional aspect of Argana's people, and
his comment to this was: - "White against white skin! Hey Lady
you truly are lacking in dress sense! Why, you are certainly in desperate need
of bringing a little bit of colour into your
life!", and he didn't even realize, that he had offended her! Argana wouldn't have minded so much, if he had been aware
of that fact! After that incident, Argana had
done her best to avoid the Cat, whenever possible, but that wasn't a very easy
task, really, because he always seemed to crop up, when you least expected him
to, which was a trait quite common in his species, and his ancestors, come to
that! However, there was another thing, about the Cat, that she did respect,
and that was his strong sense of smell, and his instincts, of knowing, when
there was something not quite right, when they went on their 'Shopping Trips'.
And Argana had a feeling, that might come in handy
one of these days, but not at this present moment, especially when he said to
her - "Hey Lady, I didn't come to have a debate about Etiquette, I just
came in here for a nap!". And with that, the Cat, had climbed, on to the Science Room's Debriefing Table,
without so much, as even asking her permission! Well, as if he would,
anyway! Why, she wouldn't have minded so much, if he had offered her that
courtesy! But as per usual, he hadn't, and Argana
didn't feel like having a debate with him, but she wasn't going to let him get
away with his indolent nature, if she could help it! And, she had stated,
to him, quite calmly: - "I would hardly call the phrase - 'Good Morning',
a whole terms work at a Swiss Finishing School, animal! It's just a common
courtesy, that some people are used to hearing about the Universe,
that is all! It isn't too much to ask! Why, you are utterly Selfish, you really are! Now, if you do not, mind me,
cutting in, on your main Vocational Task of the day, for a few
seconds...", "I'm all ears, Lady!",
the Cat had smiled, at her, curling his body, into his usual curled up
position. Argana looked at him with despair and
said - "Why on earth, do you wish to sleep in such an awkward
position? There are plenty of sleeping berths on this space craft, you
know! I just can't see the logic of you just napping anywhere,
that just takes your fancy. Isn't a bed, good enough for you, then?", she asked him with her usual caustic sarcasm, which
the animal always failed to miss, everytime. He
smiled at her, before he laid his head down for the final count, and he
explained - "Why, this table is nice and cool, lady! Can't you
tell?! And I want to be one cool Pussy, today! I'm in that kind of a mood!". Argana sighed, and
for once, she was too exhausted to answer him. Any kind of conversation
with him, usually wore her out, and she didn't know why Lister put up with him,
and she just couldn't get over the way, that he saw himself, as his 'Daddy'. As
if he had sired and given birth to him, himself! It was quite laughable,
really! So, Argana, set herself to her work,
once more, and she ignored the sleeping creature behind her, and tried to
pretend that he wasn't there, and to be quite honest, that wasn't very hard to
do, she had to say that for him. He did at least let her carry on with her
work, and he didn't really disturb her, and Argana
knew that she didn't mind his presence, when it actually came down to it, and
she didn't hold it against him, for being as vain and conceited as he was!
After all, he was descended from cats, and he couldn't help what he was, when
it came down to it, and in a sense he did remind her of the College cat,
Sophie, at Magdalane College, Oxford who had often
sat on Argana's lap, whenever she had felt like
sitting in the quadrangle, whenever the weather was nice, and she was either
reading a book, or just relaxing. And Argana knew
deep down, that she wouldn't really have minded so much, if the Cat hadn't been
the spitting image of Curt! Kryten's voice over
the intercom cut into her thoughts - "Mr Arnold
is outside, Maam, would you like me to send him
in? He would like to have his morning conference with you". Argana sighed. Why was it, whenever Rimmer was due to see her, that she felt like she was
having a meeting with the Governor General of The
United Nations?! Even though she liked Rimmer,
she did find him a bit overbearing at times, but she knew that he meant well,
and she didn't have the heart to say that nine times out of ten, that she
hadn't really felt like it lately, over the past couple of weeks, but the
moment, she looked into those blue eyes, which reminded her so much, of her
dear dead brother Argon, she knew that she didn't have the heart to say no,
when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day. But that said, it had
been getting a bit much lately, and there was no way, that she was going to
deny that! Argana spoke into the intercom, and said -
"Yes thank you Kryten, you may, but would you be
so kind as to inform him, that I have only got about five minutes, as it won't
be very long before Oh My God Mr Lister, makes his
debut!". "Of course maam",
Kryten answered her, and within a few minutes, Rimmer entered the Science Room and Argana
cast a silent prayer up, because she was thankful, that he hadn't got his full
Admiral's uniform on, which had been niggling her a bit lately, because she
could not understand for the life of her, why a Second Technician, had access,
to a uniform like that, and to a certain extent, it was beginning to irritate
her, a little bit. Rimmer was in his soft light
form, because he could not be in his hard light form on the Dwarf, only on Starbug. There was one simple reason: The hard light
form, developed by Legion, was a couple of centuries, ahead of it's time, and Holly had not got enough power to initialize
him that way on the Dwarf. But on Starbug, that
was a different case, as Holly wasn't really needed to power that ship, and his
power source, was an independent to the one on the Dwarf, and Holly found it
hard enough to find enough energy, to keep him going in soft light form, let
alone hard light form! But that wasn't necessarily the case, Argana knew that he needed a special link to the Hologram
Projection Suite, before Holly could even begin to project him in that form,
and it wasn't so much, that the ship was too old to do the job, but Red Dwarf
had belonged to the twenty third century, and not the twenty fifth century
where Legion had belonged, but Lister had informed her, that if they could 'salvage'
the special link, that was needed for the task, from a craft, which hailed from
the twenty fifth century, and if they were to cut down some unnecessary power
sources, then they would be able to run him in hard light form, on the Dwarf,
as well. But for the time being, it was advisable, for him to stay in soft
light form, but in some ways, Argana was relieved
that he couldn't touch her on the Dwarf. She felt rather guilty, whenever
she thought about it, but she just couldn't help herself, but there were times,
when he made her squirm, and she tried not to think too much of the times, when
he had touched her on Starbug, and she had felt a
little bit wary of him, especially when they were checking data, in the scanner
room, and sometimes he would sit, that little bit too close to her, for
comfort, and it was rather embarrassing, when he would put his arm around her,
so they could check the supply lists, but he did tell her, that he was having
problems with his eyesight, and that he couldn't see the text, very well, and
that it was a lot easier, that way, but Argana
couldn't help worrying about the times, when he had accidentally brushed her
knee, with his hand, and the way that he had patted her hand, was a bit too
disconcerting to say the least. And she was particuarly
wary, when she noticed that he was staring at the bodice of her dress, and she
felt her face, become a very bright shade of red, and what was worse, she was
beginning to feel that she liked him touching her and staring at her, with lust
and longing in his eyes! But Argana knew that
it was wrong for them to feel like this, about one another. For one thing,
he was a hologram, a dead man, but even worse than that, he was the spitting
image, of her dear brave kind hearted Brother Argon! But they had also had
very similar feelings for one another, but it was a very different case with
Argon. For one thing, Argon was an Officer and a gentleman, and he had
never felt her up, on the sly, and Argana knew, that
she could not deny, that Rimmer had done that, and
Argon had expressed how he had felt for his sister, with a brief illicit kiss,
outside her quarters, but she knew that he would never have taken his feelings
for her, any further and she knew that he had been resigned to that, without a
doubt, but Argon was an entirely different matter to Arnold Judas Rimmer, anyway. It had been perfectly alright for him
to express his frustrated pent up feelings of his love for her, because he had
always been her second hero, ever since she could walk, especially after he had
saved her life by giving her immediate mouth to mouth resuscitation, after he
had dragged her little frame out of the cockpit of the little aeroplane in the planets park garden, which had been a
birthday present for her, from the United Nations. It had only been a
prototype of a childs
electronic aeroplane, which would be available on the
toy market, if Argana, the King and their Leader's
Daughter had no problems with the little toy craft, whatsoever. But
unfortunately however, that was just not to be, and when the little girl had
only done just one circuit of the domed park, she had heard a whirring sound in
the engine, which her instincts immediately told her, that there was something
wrong. The little girl had done her best to control the plane, as swiftly
as possible, but she had known from such an early age, that Argon, at the
tender age of fourteen years, was a far better pilot, than she would ever be in
a lifetime! In the end, Argana had had to make a
crash landing, but she hadn't been able to land the little plane smoothly,
unfortunately, because she had been flying over some trees, and she had known
that it would have been impossible to land the plane on them carefully, even
though she knew that her Brother would have managed it, perfectly easily but
this had been only the second time, that she had flown in a toy craft, and her
Brother had done that, over a hundred times already, and her flying skills were
pretty amateurish, compared to his! But Argana
had managed to land the little craft in a fairly lowish
bush, just before she passed out from the fumes, that were already beginning to
fill the cockpit, and she had remembered no more, until she came to, at the childrens hospital and when she had found the strength to
thank her Brother for saving her life, he had merely shrugged his
shoulders and said - "Oh, it was only a skill, which I had drummed into
me, at my life saving class, that's all, Princess!", and his attitude, had
been more or less the same, when the United Nations, had insisted on presenting
him, with a medal for saving his sisters life, and barely thinking of what the
consequences could have been to his life, especially after the little plane,
had exploded, the moment that he had dragged his sister a hundred yards, away
from the impact scene. But then, her Brother had always been a modest kind
of person, Argana thought, and that modesty of his,
had always been a familiar trait, that she had loved, and kept within her
heart, and it couldn't have been more apparent, when he had come back, from his
first space jaunt, where he had discovered a new galaxy, which had consisted of
ten planets, complete with a new solar system, which would eventually be terraformed by him and his team, over a period of six
months, and they would be used for research purposes, by the Angellican Scientific research team. Only that had
never come into effect, because it would have taken another ten year to get
colonies set up there, and the United Nations, were never really keen to pay
out, where colonisation was concerned. Argon's
modesty had also been apparent, when he had saved his Co-Pilot's life, on a
return mission, because their craft had been hurtled into the path of an
exploding nebula, and they had almost been hurtled into it its path, and his
Co-Pilot, Timothy, had collapsed of a stroke, at the wheel, and Argon had had
to cope, with steering the craft, out of the nebulas impact drag, and offering
resuscitation to Timothy, at the same time, and he had to do the return journey
to Angellica, without a Co-Pilot, and that had taken
an extra two months, into the bargain, and his family had feared for him,
because the impact of the exploding nebula, had interfered with the radio
communications set up, and technically, once all radio contact, had disappeared,
off the face of Angellica, Argon and Timothy and all
the contents, of the ship, were more or less, classed as officially dead, but
with only a weeks worth of supplies left, Argon had
managed to conserve all supplies, for the best part of two months, and he had
gone without food, for the best part of a month, before they finally got back
home, but Timothy had had more than enough to eat, and even though Argon's
chances of survival were very thin, as they wheeled him away to hospital, Argana felt her instincts tell her, that he was going to
make it, and at the awards ceremony two months, later, Argon had had to force
himself to conduct another embarrassing speech, but that was only a couple of
the brave deeds, that her Brother had fulfilled, during his oh so short life
which had been whisked away, by those evil Devillgillian's!
Argana did try to think of the brave deeds, that
Arnold Rimmer had done, and she realised
that she was finding it very hard to come up with some, but there was the
blasting away of the time drive, which had been absolutely necessary to save
the others, from their future selves, but the time drive, hadn't been damaged
totally beyond repair, Argana thought, and she knew
that Lister would repair it sooner or later, now that the threat of their
future selves had disappeared forever more. So, she knew that Rimmer wasn't entirely beyond hope, just yet, but she still
couldn't recall many other daring deeds, that he had done, during his lifetime,
and deathtime, but she could not deny, that he had
always behaved like a gentleman, and that he had treated her with the utmost
courtesy, during the entire month that he had made her acquaintance. There
was that, at the very least, and she decided to put those incidents of his, of
been rather a bit over familiar to her, when he was in his hard light form, on Starbug, to one side, for the time being. After all,
he had been educated at a Public School, and God only knows where Lister had
been educated! "Good morning Argana, and how are
we getting along with the charts?", he asked her
politely. Argana smiled back, and said - "Good
morning Arnold! They are coming along just fine, thank you, but I think it may
take the best part of two months, before I can even begin to catch up with the
printed out star charts".
Rimmer had beamed, at Argana,
with his usual flared nostril smile, which irritated her a little bit, and for
the life of her, she just couldn't understand, why this was so. Argana had insisted on Rimmer
addressing her, by her first name, because he had been polite enough to address
her, as 'Maam or 'Your Highness', in the first
place. And what was more, Arnold Rimmer was
Public School educated, after all! And Argana didn't
really care, that he was a Chicken Soup Operative, which Lister always seemed
to refer him as, which had offended her, quite deeply, and she had drummed it
into Lister, time and time again, that Arnold J.Rimmer's
Official rank, on this ship, was - "Second Senior Technician", and
that he must be treated with the respect, that he deserves, and even though Rimmer's obvious failure of not acquiring the necessary
exam, which would have made him an Officer, had been quite a considerable shock
to her, at first, because she had assumed that he was an Officer, when she had
first made his acquaintance, because of that military get up of his, and as she
had had a bad knock on the head, she kept addressing him as Field Marshal,
which had seemed to impress him, no end, and Lister had been pretty quick to
shatter her illusions of Rimmer's rank, on this ship,
which she had thought rather mean, and that had intensified her dislike of
Lister immediately, and she had felt particularly upset about that little
incident, because her dear Father, had brought her up to respect, every persons
authority on the planet, Angellica and Earth, and
even beyond the known universe, when it actually came down to it, and he had
drilled it into her, whether she was introduced to a King, a Prince, or a
fellow Scientist, a Space Corps Test Pilot, an Actress, a Bishop, a Technician,
or a man or woman who cleaned the Planets Lavatories, she was to treat them as
if they were a King or Queen, themselves, and that everybody's job in life, was
important, no matter how high or low it was, and that everybody was created
equal, and if she were ever to treat the menial workers on this planet, like
dirt, and he got wind of it, he would be very angry and upset with her,
indeed! But Argana hadn't needed to be told more
than once, and even if she hadn't been made aware of that fact she would have
still treated every person she met with equal respect, and it was in her blood,
anyway, but during her time on the Dwarf, Holly, Hab,
Lister and the Cat had really tried her patience to it's
limits, to the utmost, and she wouldn't have minded so much, if Lister hadn't
laughed, when she had tried to make him understand that fact, about how it was
with her people, and his comments to this were: - "If you think I'm
kowtowing to that Smeghead, then you've got another
think coming, Babe! I would rather address the Skutters
with more respect, than him!". And that was
that, Argana decided. Dave Lister was a man, who was
so ignorant, that it wasn't worth giving him the time of day, and it was a
complete and utter waste of her resources, trying to train him, and yet she
didn't know why, but she felt that there was something about him, and she knew
that it was the deep spark of his defiance, that held some hope for her, and
she had a feeling, that he was far more craftier than he cared to admit, when
it came down to it, but Argana realised
that he was far too crafty for his own good, and he always seemed to get the
better of her better nature every time! And she was getting to the point, where
she had decided, that she was not going to take any more nonsense from him, yes
Sir! However for the time being, she brought her thoughts back to the
present, because she didn't really have much time to spare, for Rimmer this morning, and she let him make his usual offer -
"Are you ready for our morning stroll around the diesel decks, then, Argana?". For the past
month, Rimmer had had the courtesy of giving Argana, the one hundred dollars worth tour of Red Dwarf's
Engineering Room, and what it consisted of! And Argana
was one hundred per cent sure, that he was determined to show her every diesel
engine on this ship, before they got back to Earth! And at the rate that Rimmer was going, with regard to the tour of the diesel
engines, Argana knew that he might not achieve his aim, where that was concerned! She could not deny, that
it had been fun, at first, and very entertaining, and besides, she had got to
familiarize herself, with the Dwarf's engine works, to a certain extent,
anyway, so she would be able to find a certain bay, which would be suitable for
her to link up the light speed drive, which she would eventually design, once
she had finished her star charts, and had got her course co-ordinates all
together at long last. And therefore, it wasn't a great inconvenience really,
but she could not help denying, that she was getting a little bit restless,
where Rimmer's guided tours around the diesel decks,
were concerned lately. And once you had seen one diesel engine, you'd seen them
all, when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day! And she was
really quite amazed at Rimmer's integrity, for
finding the difference, between the Cameron Macintosh 500 diesel engine, and
the Cameron Macintosh 501 diesel engine, especially as they all looked exactly
the same to her! And there were times, when she really felt that her head was spinning
around and around! But Rimmer was pretty good, and
quite understanding really, when she confessed, that usually after about one
hour, that she was beginning to find it mentally uplifting, but it was a little
bit tiring on her feet, and that she really did have some urgent business to
attend to, after all! And Rimmer, ever the Gentleman,
was always kind enough to excuse her, and that they would carry on, from where
they left off, the very next day. And Argana never
really had the heart to say No, to his guided tours, but she always felt,
whenever they started the tour again, that they hadn't really advanced very
much, from where they had left off the last time! And Rimmer
kept on smiling at her in that silly nostril flared way of his and he kept on saying
- "Only another fifty five thousand and thirty diesel engines to go, Argana, only another fifty five thousand and thirty diesel
engines to go!". And Argana
always felt a bad headache coming on, after he had said that! So, without
any further ado, Argana smiled at Rimmer,
and said - "Thank you Arnold, but I am afraid that you will have to excuse
this mornings excursion, but
to make up for it, we can discuss the next expedition around the diesel decks,
tomorrow morning. But I am afraid that I am a bit tied up this morning, so if
you will accept my apologies...". Rimmer looked a little bit put out, but nevertheless, he
regained his composure, and he said - "Of course I will Argana, but would you mind just putting me in the picture?". "I am afraid that I have got to see your
colleague, Mr Lister this morning I wish to put
him right on a few things...". Argana
gritted her teeth, and he said - "What, again?!" Rimmer didn't looked too surprised at this information, and
he asked her - "What's the little gimboid done
now?!". Argana couldn't
help feeling rather angry at the way, that Rimmer had just addressed Lister, and she honestly didn't
think that he was giving Lister much of a chance. In fact it almost
seemed to Argana that it was as if Rimmer wanted to prove Lister guilty, before being
innocent, but she merely answered him - "The young man in question, has
decided to use my printer holder, for a sled, which he seems to find
particularly useful, for a game of soapsud slalom,
with Creature Feature here" she pointed her finger at the Cat's sleeping
form. "The Mechanoid was forced to give me
the details, about this. I take it you know about the games that Little
Boys like to play on this ship?" she asked him in a reasonable
tone. "Oh, I know about them alright, but there's not a lot you can
do to stop him Argana, and being a soft light
hologram onboard ship, doesn't exactly help matters, but I have made plenty of
notes, about Lister's behaviour in my report book in
the hologram suite, so when we get back to Earth, all of his misdemeanours will be taken into account. What are you
going to do with him, then, Argana, are you going to
have him put in solitary, for the rest of the voyage? As you have got the
Official rank of Captain, on this vessel, you are entitled to that privilege!". Argana smiled, and
said - "It may come to that yet, Arnold! However, I only think it
will make the lad rebel even more, if I deprive him of all his privileges, but
I don't think that is really the answer. No, I am going to give that young
man a piece of my mind, and try to make him see the sense of having a
disciplined mind and body! No, there is no room, for clowning about on my
ship!". Rimmer
sighed to this, and said - "Hmm, I see your point of view Argana, and I do respect your disciplinary methods, and
from what I have heard your Father was a very good and fair man, and who knew
what was what, but I honestly think that you are wasting your time, being soft
on Lister. You know what they say, spare the rod, and spoil the child!". Rimmer suddenly
paused, because he didn't know whether he had imagined it, but he couldn't help
seeing, that there was a glint of anger in Argana's
eyes. After a few seconds had passed, he decided that he hadn't imagined
it, and he thought it best to make amends immediately - "But far be it
from me, to cast a dark cloud over your sense of judgement,
Argana! You do what you feel to be right, over
young Listy's education, but if you feel that you
can't do any good, where that is concerned, you know that you can always come
to me, for advice, when you need it". Argana
had guessed that he was sincere, even though she was still fuming inside, but
she said to him with courtesy - "Thank you Arnold, I will bear that in
mind, now if you will excuse me, I have got some work to attend to". Rimmer smiled at her, with a creeping smile which she still
failed to miss, but it would come, sooner or later, that was quite inevitable
really, and without any further ado, he left the Science Room.
After a few minutes had
passed, and Argana had hardly acheived
anything with her star chart, which seemed to be a usual happening on this
ship. Kryten announced, over the intercom, that Mr Lister was ready to see her, at last, and she gave him,
her permission, and Lister entered the room. Argana
didn't bother to turn round right away, but she knew that she would have to
face his nightmarish appearance sooner or later, but while she had the chance
to avoid it, she sure as hell, would take advantage of it! He didn't even
ask for her permission to speak, and he said to her in that teasing way of his,
which had annoyed her from day one - "Wow, you're really serious about
getting these charts done, down to the last detail, aren't you
Princess? The way that you're going, we'll be able to have an exhibition
in the gallery, before the end of the month, and you've still got to get the
other five done, but the way I see it, that one will be more than sufficient to
take everybody's breath away, by just pinning it up on one wall!". Argana sighed. He had no idea about etiquette had
he?! "I beg your pardon, young man?! And since when have you been
capable of offering an opinion on the art world?! I would hardly think it
is your forte', really, after you've finally forced yourself to burrow out of
your cesspit first thing in the afternoon!", and with that, Argana forced herself to turn round to take in his
appearance, and it nearly tore her heart in two to take it all in. Why, he
looked worse than ever! In fact he looked like he'd come out of the Black
Latrine! And, as per usual, he had been, wearing his Deer Stalker hat,
complete with torn up leathers, but it wasn't that so much that was making her
feel a little bit pitiful for him. She was used to them, by now, to a
certain extent! No, what was really making Argana
a little bit dismayed at Little Boys appearance, was
the fact, that his trousers, were thick with mud! Why he was a disgrace to his
race! And what was more, his podgy little face, was complete with his usual
chirpy grin, and he was holding up a bunch of the most beautiful pink and blue
flowers, that she had ever seen! But what had relly
upset her, was the fact, that he had addressed her as Princess, in that teasing
way of his, while she had her back turned, and that teasing way of hers, was
the way that her hero Prince Crispian, had addressed
her in her fantasies, many many times! When Argana had first made Dave Listers
acquaintance about a month ago, it had broken her heart to discover, that the
last human being, the last man (if you could call him that!), was the spitting
image of her Screen Hero, the dashing Prince Crispian! In
his films and in her fantasies, the dashing Prince Crispian,
had rescued damsels in distress (in her fantasies she had always been the
damsel in distress!). He could even write poetry, and he was the leader of his
people in the Castle of Portia in the land of Xanadu!
He had a magnificent Library stocked with every known classic, under the sun,
and he could even play the guitar! Why, he could even quote from
Shakespeare! But worse even than that, the young Princess had fantasized,
that she had married Prince Crispian, and that he was
a wonderful Lover, and Father to their twin boys, James and Benjamen! And
it made her shudder, with disgust that Dave Lister, who was supposedly, the
last remaining human being, whom she loathed with disgust and dread, resembled
him in appearance, but not in character, even though he did have a certain
charm about him, which she found quite appealing at times, and she knew that
she couldn't deny that, but it was that streak of defiance of his, that really
irritated her, that not wanting to conform! He was everything that Crispian wasn't, and she had never heard of a Prince in any
of the fairy tales who smoked, who drank lager, who ate curries, who had no
dress sense, whatsoever, and he also played virtual reality games, and read
books with flaps on! Argana had seen Little Boys book
collection in the sleeping quarters, and she had gone very white, indeed, when
Lister had proudly showed her his Beano Pop up Book!
And that, had been, more than she could take! And she wouldn't have minded
so much, if he could have made Starman by David
Bowie, recognisable on his guitar! And there was
the question of the sugar puff sandwiches! Why, she could have forgiven him,
for everything else, but that was unforgivable, really! And there was the
question of addressing her in the correct manner. Why, that young man knew
absolutely nothing about the correct form of protocol! Argana had nearly passed out with shock, on that very first
day, when he had addressed her, as - 'Argana' and she
had lashed into him, with all the authority of her birthright, without any
regard for the consequences, and surprisingly, he had looked rather hurt,
rather like a child, but the defiance, had not left his eyes, and in a sense,
she had almost admired him for his wilfulness, but
she merely explained to him, that the correct form of address was: "Your
Highness, or Maam, and don't you forget it, young
man! But Lister had merely smiled back at her, and answered her cheerfully -
"Why, I'm sorry Argana, Maam,
but I didn't realise your Highness". And
after that, he would still address her as Argana, if
he could get away with it, but he would always add the Maam
on, if he absolutely had to, and Argana knew that she
would just have to leave it at that. As long as he made the effort, that
was all that really mattered at the end of the day, but the way, that he had
been addressing her as Princess, lately was getting to be a bit disconcerting
to say the least and she couldn't help wondering, if he knew about her love and
admiration for Prince Crispian, and she still loved
her Prince Crispian! Argana
vowed that he would never ever, take that away from
her, whatever happened! But Argana decided to put
that out of her mind, for the time being, and she came to the
conclusion that would have been a little bit too intellectual for the
likes of Dave Lister, and she forced her mind back to the present, and Lister
answered her question - "I went to
Argana had also been reminded of Tom Jones
gesture, when he had come across some beautiful flowers for the woman of his
dreams, Sophie Weston who had also been an unobtainable woman, but
nevertheless, when Argana had read that book.
That romantic gesture had really touched her heart, at the time, and Tom had
been in quite a rather bad state, afterwards, as well. Argana
thought it best to force her thoughts back to the present, for the time being,
because she felt a bit flushed, but Lister merely smiled, and went to put the
flowers in a vase for her. Well, actually to be more precise it wasn't really a
vase, he put them in, it was a urine specimen bottle, and as he put them beside
her, he suddenly noticed her shocked expression! And he thought it best to make
amends, immediately - "It was the nearest thing to hand, Argana, Maam". Argana sighed. The young man in question,
had a desparate lack of knowledge, about culture, and
he could have put himself out a little bit, to try and find something more
substantial, than a urine specimen bottle but she thought it best not to look
for faults in him, for the moment. At least he had made more of an
effort, where his Shakespearean quotations were concerned, there was that, at
least. Argana informed him, of what she had been
meaning to ask of him, for quite some time - "By the way, young man, I
meant to tell you, that when we finally get back to Earth, you can go back to
wherever it is you hang out in Liverpool, and you can drop me off, at Oxford,
so I can have a bit of peace and quiet Argana was
rather surprised when Lister didn't answer her right away, and for one awful
moment, she felt a bit of panic come over her, but he finally spoke out, and he
said to her in a very firm and serious tone, which he had never used before -
"We are not dropping you off anywhere, on your own Princess, and that is
final!". Argana was suddenly aghast, and she
lashed into him - "How dare you question my authority! What gives you
the right to question my judgement?! Look
Lister, understand me once and for all, I do not want to spend the rest of my
days, hanging about with your cronies, in low down drinking
establishments! At
The End:
For
Now................!
Marie Birch
July 1997